Breathe Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two Texans were having the Blue Plate Special at their favorite truck stop when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, sitting a few bar stools down from them, turning blue from the Armadillo burger she ate too fast.The first Texan said to the other, "Think we oughtta help?""Yep, reckon so", says the second.The first Texan gets up, walks over to the lady and asks, "Can you breathe?"She shakes her head, "no"."Can you speak?" he then asks.She shakes her head, "no", again.With that, he helps her to her feet, lifts up her skirt, and starts to lick her on the butt.She is so shocked, she coughs up the obstruction and begins to breathe again, with great relief.The first Texan turns back to his friend and says with a smile, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish It's a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" My son demanded.

"But their names are Bert and Ernie, more...

A blonde walks into a hair dresser with a walkman on. She tells the guy to cut whatever he wants just as long as he cuts around the headphones. So the guy says cool until he runs into a problem, he says "Ms.?" "Ms.?" Finally he just takes them off and the blonde drops dead!!
He puts the headphones on and he hears "BREATHE IN... BREATHE OUT... BREATHE IN... BREATHE OUT."

Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.
Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After few moments it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head, "No." "Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head, "NO" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs
his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the
obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya more...

Two hillbillies were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a Possum Burger too fast.
The first Hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' help?"
"Yep," said the second Hillbilly.
The first Hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?"
She shook her head no.
"Kin yew speak?" he asked.
She again shook her head no.
With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, pulled down her panties, and started licking her butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.
The first Hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

A blonde girl goes into a hair salon and she's wearing earphones connected to her walkman. She tells the hair stylist to cut her hair but NOT to take off her earphones. He had to cut around it. But, he thought it would look really stupid if he didn't cut under her earphones so he picked them up and lifted them slightly. Suddenly, she fell to the ground, dead. The hair stylist picked up the ear phones to see what she had been listening to and a recorded voice was saying "Breathe In, Breathe Out. Breathe In, Breathe Out."

These are reputedly real answers to questions on science tests.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical more...