Brake Jokes / Recent Jokes

Drive Through ATM ProceduresPlease note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.MALE PROCEDURE* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.* 2 Put down your car window.* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.* 6 Put window up.* 7 Drive off.FEMALE PROCEDURE* 1 Drive up to cash machine.* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.* 5 Turn the radio down.* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.* 9 Insert card.* 10 Re-insert card the right side up* 11 Dig more...

Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
MALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
* 6 Put window up.
* 7 Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to cash machine.
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down.
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive more...

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the chaos principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are more...

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone in lap, brick on
accelerator: California*
* with gun also in lap: L.A.
Both hands on top of wheel, one foot on brake, watching pedestrians
cross against the light: San Francisco
One hand on the wheel, one hand drumming (with drum stick) on the
dash board, Lap top on top of the Dashboard, left foot tapping, right
foot on the accelerator, head bobbing from side to side: Silicon
Valley, listening to KEZR
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror: Ohio, but driving in Boston.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned
to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
Both hands praying to Gates, knee on wheel, cradling cell phone in
lap, foot on brake, mind more...

Brake wired to the horn
The best man at my friends wedding rigged the horn to sound every time the brake was pressed, they drove half way down the road until they realized what was going on and had to return to fix it.

How To Identify Where A Driver Is From One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: Riverside Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the more...

Nelson Mandela is at home watching the box, when there is a knock at his door. He gets up and answers it, there is a Chinese bloke with clipboard, and behind him is a lorry full of exhaust pipes.
"You sign, you sign," yells the Chinese.
Nelson looks at the truck and tells the Chinese bloke that he has got the wrong bloke.
Next day Nelson is watching a film when there is a knock on his door. It's the same Chinese bloke and behind him is truck full of brake parts.
"You Sign, You Sign," screams the Chinese bloke and pushes the clipboard under Nelson's nose.
"Look you Twat," snarls Nelson "You've got the wrong bloke. I don't want brake parts, you've got the wrong bloke again."
Next day Nelson is sitting in the chair reading a magazine, when there is a knock on the door. It's the Chinese bloke again, behind him are two trucks filled with engine parts.
The Chinese bloke screams at Nelson, "You sign, you more...