Bottle Jokes / Recent Jokes

On his first date with a beautiful woman, Joe decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District.
Upon tasting the wine, Joe berated the steward, "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North Coast Vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."
The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Joe was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!"
Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can you tell me what's in my glass?"
Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Joe sipped at the drunk's glass.
"Christ, this tastes like piss!" he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out.
"That's exactly right," said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."

One day, Mahathir and his chauffer were riding around in Negeri Sembilan when suddenly, out of nowhere, a big pig ran out of a bush. They could not stop the limousine in time and the pig was splattered on the road. Mahathir, afraid of being accused for anything, immediately gave the chauffer R1000 and told him to go into the owners' hut, apologize for the loss and give him some compensation. Mahathir waited in the limousine for a long time, but his chauffer did not come back. Finally, after a two hour wait, the chauffer came back, his tie and collar loose, pants unbuttoned, bleary eyed with beer and lipstick stains all over his shirt and clutching an empty bottle of champagne in one hand and what seems like a R5000 note in the other. Mahathir asked,' How in the world did you end up like this.'' Well,' the chauffer said,' The farmer was so happy, he shook hands with me, took out R5000 from his own wallet, had his sons pour out a bottle of champagne for me and had his daughters make hot more...

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no tanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''

Three cowboys, a Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian, were sitting around a campfire smoking, drinking and having a good time. The Texan takes a full bottle of the finest tequila, throws it up in the air and shoots it to pieces. The Californian and Oregonian are clearly dismayed at that show, and ask "Now what'd you go and do THAT for?" The Texan just drawled "Where I come from, we got a lot of those."
Not to be outdone, the Californian reaches in his saddle bag and pulls out a full bottle of the best Californian wine there is. He throws the bottle in the air, whips out his gun, and shoots it to pieces. The Oregonian and the Texan both groan, but the Californian is quick to point out "Where I come from, we've got a lot of those."
Next the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of the best microbrew beer that Portland makes. He throws the bottle high up in the air, takes out his gun, shoots the Californian, catches the bottle, and proceeds to drink the more...

After being away on business, Clarence McDougal thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50. 00. "That is a bit much," said Clarence.
So the clerk returned with a smaller bottle for $30. 00. "That's still quite a bit," Clarence groused.
Growing annoyed, the cosmetics clerk brought out a tiny $15. 00 bottle. "What I mean," said Clarence, "is I would like to see something really cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.

During the Israeli-Arab war, the Arabs were getting slaughtered. Their general called his men together, look men we have to take drastic action. Shoot on sight any Israelis, no questions asked.
It was getting late. A very young Israeli man comes wandering down the path towards the Arab camp.
The Arabs decide to have some fun. Look, we're supposed to execute you but we'll let you go if you pass 3 tests.
There are 3 tents, in the first is a bottle of liquor, which you must drink completely without stopping.
In the second is the Sheik's favorite lion who has had a thorn in his paw for 3 days and no one has been able to get close enough to get it out. You must remove the thorn.
In the third is the Sheik's favorite wife. She has not been happy in a long time. You must satisfy her.
The young man cautiously approaches the first tent, enters and they hear him chugging the entire bottle in one long breath. He stumbles out feebly and on to the next tent.
The Arabs more...

A truck driver was tooling down the highway one afternoon and heard a "pop." Thinking that perhaps he had blown a tire, he steered the rig onto the shoulder and walked back to check his tires.
He found a bottle laying in the gutter. He picked it up and wiped off the label to see what kind of bottle it was when a very old genie popped out.
The genie said, "Man, I'm too old for this! You get one wish - not three - just one."
The driver thought long and hard, and finally said, "It would be really nice for all the bridges to be wide enough that over-sized loads could get through without any trouble."
The genie said, "Do you know how many bridges that would be?! Can't you come up with something simpler?"
The driver replied, "How about if you make all the blondes as smart as brunettes?"
The genie shook his head vigorously and answered, "How wide would you like those bridges?"