Big Jokes / Recent Jokes

Big cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anybody.

What do you call a proton with big hair? A' froton.

Politically Correct Little Red Riding HoodThere once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who livedon the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants thatwould probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time tostudy them. Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred toas "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would havethought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit andmineral water to her grandmother's house." But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people whohave struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages betweenvarious people in the woods?" Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had more...

Twas the week before Christmas,
I was feeding a mouse,
fattening it up,
for our cats in the house.
The wife's stockings hung
on the shower with care,
The drain is clogged.
Probably big globs of hair.
The children were playing,
jumping on beds.
Bits of chewing gum
stuck on their heads.
Wife sneez'n in a kerchief;
me, I'm ready for a nap,
Her nerves quite unsettled,
we need a nightcap!
When out of the bathroom
there arose such a clatter!
The toilet a shaking!
Don't know what's the matter!
Away to the bathroom
I flew like a flash,
Tore open the closet,
then fell with a CRASH!
I'd slipped on a toy...
I do think... I don't know.
They were scattered about,
above and below.
Then the wife yelled,
"Are you Okay? Oooh, Dear?!
"I was going to tell you,
your tools disappeared.
"The kids, well, they flushed them,
tools, more...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through the house,

Everybody felt shitty even the mouse.
With Mom at the whore house,

And dad smoking grass,
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass!

When out on the lawn I hear such a clatter,
I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter!

When out on the lawn I saw a big dick,
I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
I knew in a moment the fucker had fell!

He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer,
And a big rubber dick for my brother, the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart,
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart!

He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight,
Piss on you all and have a Hell of a night!

Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek-----------------------------------------There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision. Medical Technology------------------------On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and sealyour ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices. Transporter--------------It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that more...