Benjamin Jokes / Recent Jokes

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. - Prof. Irwin Corey
Love matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar. - Countess of Blessington
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. - Cass Daley
I'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year. - Bette Davis
Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. - Lord Dewar
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? - Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller
It destroys one's nerves to be amiable everyday to the same human being. - Benjamin more...

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. - Prof. Irwin CoreyLove matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar. - Countess of BlessingtonI've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. - Cass DaleyI'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year. - Bette DavisLove is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. - Lord DewarI've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? - Phyllis DillerNever go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis DillerIt destroys one's nerves to be amiable everyday to the same human being. - Benjamin DisraeliHonolulu, it's got everything. Sand for more...

Knock KnockWhos there! Benjamin! Benjamin who? Benjamin the blues!

Going to shul
Benjamin woke up one Saturday morning in a bad mood. When he came down to breakfast, he put on his yarmulke and sat across the table from his visiting sister, Sarah.
"I`m not going to shul today!" he said to Sarah emphatically.
"Yes you are." Sarah replied calmly.
"No I`m not. . . I don`t think I really want to ever go again!" Benjamin said with obvious irritation. "The people down there don`t like me, they ignore me sometimes. . . they don`t appreciate me at all. . . and I won`t go back."
"Yes, you will go today, and you will continue", said Sarah with confidence. And, I`ll give you two reasons. Number one, you`re 45 years old. .. and Number two, you`re the Rabbi!"

Unexpected marketing
Sharon has reached the age of 18 and is regarded by many as, well, a stunner. One day, she goes to buy a new dress.
"Can I please try on that dress in the window?" she asks Benjamin, the boutique owner.
"Go ahead," Benjamin replies with a shrug, "maybe it`ll attract some business."

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. - Prof. Irwin CoreyLove matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar. - Countess of BlessingtonI've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. - Cass DaleyI'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year. - Bette DavisLove is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. - Lord DewarI've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about' short' and' cheap'? - Phyllis DillerNever go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis DillerIt destroys one's nerves to be amiable everyday to the same human being. - Benjamin DisraeliHonolulu, it's got everything. Sand for more...

The waiter
Benjamin and Morris are sitting in a wonderful Kosher restaurant in Hendon.
They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. Benjamin and Morris are dumbfounded.
"My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager, an old friend of theirs, also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans over to them so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we`re teaching him English."