Beach Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

You Know You're In California When...

The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

You were born somewhere else.

You know how to eat an artichoke.

The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

Your car has bulletproof windows.

Left is right and right is wrong.

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

Your mouse has only one ball.

You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.

You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

Your family tree contains' significant others'.

Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.

You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

More than clothes come out of the more...

A little girl was walking along a beach in California whenshe came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspapercovering his genitals. The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?" The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!"The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep. Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain." Where the hell am I?" A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergencyhelp, so we rushed you right over." "Well, what the hell happened to me?" "We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happeningto you today?" The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me justbefore I fell asleep." The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl wasstill there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happenedto that nice man you saw here earlier?" "Well," the more...

BUXTON, N.C. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones,
21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been
sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the
Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to
Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him. It took
rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while
about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. You
just wouldn't believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with their
hands, using pails from kids," Dare County Sheriff Bert Austin said.

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a
little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he
was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the
newspaper, mister?"
"A Bird," the guy replied.
The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up,
he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what
happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was laying on the beach,
this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What
did you do to that naked fellow?" After a little pause, the girl replied,
"To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me,
so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs six miles every day.One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body and notices that he is suntanned all over with the one exception of his penis, which he readily decides to do something about.He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he leaves sticking out.Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she begins to move it around with the cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she says, "There is really no justice in the world."The other little old lady says, "What do you mean by that?"The first little old lady says, "Look at that - When I was 20 - I was curious about it. When I was 30 - I enjoyed it. When I was 40 - I asked for it. When I was 50 - I paid for it. When I was 60 - I prayed for it. When I was 70 - I forgot about it. more...

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God more...