Beach Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "Idon't know.
I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays. It is considered an offense to shower naked. You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. It is illegal to skateboard without a license. Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging. It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road. In Florida it is illegal to fish while driving across a bridge.In Florida failure to tell your neighbor his house is on fire is illegal.Florida law forbids rats to leave the ships docked more...

A business man was in a great deal of trouble. He had put everything he had into his business and it was failing miserably. He owed everyone. It was so bad that he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to see a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, "This is what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the chair and place the Bible on your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the very first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman returned to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was dressed in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a gorgeous mink coat, the children shining. The businessman more...

John liked to frequent the Newfoundland beaches but never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend Garge the lifeguard for advice.
It's them big baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old fish. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yrself a pair of Speedos -' bout two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside them. I'm tellin' ya bye, you'll have all the babes you want!
The following weekend, John hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potatoe. Everybody on the beach is disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces snickering, turning away, most laughing, some even looking a little sick!
John goes back to Garge the lifeguard and asks him, "What the devil is wrong now?
"Lard-Tunderin Jeezus Bye!"said Garge, "the potato goes in the front!"

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed." Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied." I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says." Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!""I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated." NO! Get away from me!""TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered. She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!""FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money...." Well, OK... but only for a minute." She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY more...

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws

1. American men and women spend 15% of their days running in slow motion along the beach.2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any
importance.5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious more...