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An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old fart dig. I had him more...

(where "pppphhhhhbbbttttt" equals sticking you tongue between your
lips and blowing air. A pseudo Bronx cheer.)
A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks
up the the bar and sets on down. He proceeds to order a beer for
himself and for the little Leprechaun.
Well, the guy and the Leprechaun drink about two beers when finally
the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder, trots down the bar
and stands in front of a rather large construction worker. He looks
at the construction worker and goes, "ppphhhbbbttttttt" right to the
big guy's face.
Well the Leprechaun trots on back on hops back onto his buddy's shoulder.
The construction worker is a little ticked, but decides to shine on
this breach of manners.
After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
again goes in front of the construction worker and goes, "ppphhhbbbbttt"
to the more...

Diary of a New Snow ShovelerDecenber 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.December 12th The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll more...

Sidney was a 14-year-old boy with an interest in the sciences. One summer day he started his own investigations. With his 12-year-old sister Sophie in tow, he caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sidney started his experiment with the amphibian, and told Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment.

Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped, and Sidney measured the distance. "12 feet... write that down, Sophie," he said.

Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction, Sophie wrote it down.

Again the frog was brought back, the left front leg was removed, and again "Jump, frog!" Sidney reported, "Six feet... write it more...

A Polak wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance.
"I will give you three questions," said the coach. "If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the team."
"Fair enough!" said the Polak eagerly.
The coach proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many d's are there in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'"
Next week, the Polak came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said, "So how many days in the week that start with 'T'?"
The Polak said, "Two!"
"Very good!" said the coach. And what are they?"
"Today and Tomorrow!"
"Hmm... OK," said the coach.
"How many seconds are there in a more...

As he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla recovery unit is on the way and is told to remain calm.
A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuaha dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun.
Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this.
As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains
the plan:
- First I'll climb up there with the ladder;
- Then I approach the gorilla and more...

Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God,
We dogs can more...