Baby Jokes / Recent Jokes

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "Im having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
"Then why did you eat him?"

Then there was the thick-skulled Mrs. Lytton who had to stop breastfeeding her infant son. It hurt too much when she boiled the nipples.

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was
indeed full."Here's the problem," the doctor explained. "He just needs to be changed."The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"

10. Taking Lamaze classes with Bubbles the chimp
9. Deciding whether or not its okay to name a girl "Tito".
8. Reading Dr. Spock's "How to Raise a Weird-Ass Child".
7. Asking LaToya to help him find a good psychic babysitter.
6. Memorizing the mother's name in case they actually meet.
5. Buying hundreds of toys and stuffed animals, and also a few things for the baby.
4. Installing nursery monitor that will sound alarm if baby starts to act normal.
3. Having mother take sonogram test to determine the baby's sex.
2. Having the same test done on himself.
1. Child-proofing each and every llama in the house.

"My three-year-old's been walking since she was two," the mother told her ditzy friend Zelda.
"Gosh," said Zelda, "doesn't she ever get tired?"

Three whales were swimming in the ocean,- mummy whale and two baby whales when along came a harpooning ship and harpooned mummy whale. Baby whales were quite upset and so they discussed a plan of action.
"Right" said baby whale 1, "Let's go under the harpooning ship and blow water out our spouts and tip the boat over!!!"
"Alright" said baby whale 2, so they did and all the sailors were tossed out of the boat and were left swimming around.
Baby whale 1 said to baby whale 2 "Let's eat some of these bastards", but baby whale 2 said "No! I'll do a blowjob but I'm not swallowing any seamen"

A couple had a baby, but it was deformed, it was just a head. They judiciously took care of the head, and when it turned 21, they took it into a bar for its first drink.
They put the head up on the counter and the bartender poured a drink - smoke started to burst from the head - and then - out popped a body (it was a boy!) - the couple was so excited that they bought a round for the whole crowd in the bar - then their child took another sip - smoke again appeared - and out popped to arms - with another sip and out popped two legs - they now had a fully intact child! They were so happy that they bought another round of drinks for the crowd - and then their child took another sip and in a huge puff of smoke, he was gone - disappeared...
The couple was very upset - and the bartender uttered: well, he should have quit, while he was ahead...