Baby Jokes / Recent Jokes

A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

Shortly after his spaceship landed on the moon, the astronaut debarked and began exploring the strange new terrain. He had walked for only fifteen minutes when he came upon a lovely young moon girl, who was busily stirring an empty pot with a stick.
"Hi," he said, introducing himself, "I'm an astronaut here to discover things about the moon."
The moon girl stopped stirring long enough to throw him quite a pleasant smile. "How nice it is that you are formed just like our moon men," she observed. Throwing off her clothes, she asked, "And am I structured as are earth women?"
"Yes, you are," answered the now-excited astronaut. "But tell me, why do you stir that pot?"
"I'm making a baby," she said. And sure enough, a few minutes later, a baby appeared in the pot.
"Now would you like to see how we make babies on earth?" asked the astronaut. The girl agreed and the astronaut proceeded more...

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman. "Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says, "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!" The woman with a wry grin on her face responds, "Well of course I don't, I'm his aunt!"

Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper. It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes thing more acceptable for awhile.

In a South American mining district Mrs. Brown presented her
husband with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted
that he went to the News office and told that he had found a
12 pound nugget of gold as good as any to be found in South
America. The paper, naturally, sent a reporter to get
particulars. This is what happened:
Reporter: Does Mr. Brown live here?
Mrs. Brown: He does.
Reporter: Is he in?
Mrs. Brown: No he isn't.
Reporter: I understand he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds.
Mrs. Brown: (Seeing the joke) Yes.
Reporter: Can you show me the exact location where it was found?
Mrs. Brown: I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private.
Reporter: Is the hole far from here?
Mrs. Brown: No, it is quite handy.
Reporter: Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?
Mrs. Brown: Almost ten months.
Reporter: Was Mr. Brown the first to work it?
Mrs. Brown: He thought he more...

George CarlinAds in Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your billsnow? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels... I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you." --------------------------------------------------------------Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff)' Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. - ----------------------------------------------------------------CripesMy wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like' Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of' Gosh?' of the church of' Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of more...

A man was having an affair. The woman involved
suddenly announced that
she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find
out, he gave her
a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the
country, to
Germany to stay with friends, to wait out the
pregnancy and have the
baby.
"But how will you know when our baby is born?" she
asked.
"Well", he said, "After you've had the baby, just send
me a postcard
and write' sauerkraut' on the back".
Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and
went off to
Germany.
Six months went by and then one day the man's wife
called him at his
office. "Dear, you received a very strange postcard
in the mail
today", she explained. "I don't understand what it
means!"
"Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he
replied.
Later that evening, the man read his more...