Australia Jokes / Recent Jokes

Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia. His mate asked him what it was like." Australia's a great place!" Paddy replied. "First they take you homeand fill you so full of piss you can't stand up. Then, to top it off, theylet you fuck their women whenever you want." "Is that right?" said his mate very impressed. "I always heard Australianswere real pricks." "Well," said Paddy, "Only the white ones!"

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.Don't worry about the world ending today...It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.Character is what you are.Reputation is what people think you are.Drive carefully, It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two more...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice at large!"

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says,"We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks,"And what are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

Steinberg and Fleisher, partners in the garment industry had just suffered through their worst season ever. Ten thousand madras sports coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was looming closer.

Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia. "I say there," he began, "you boys wouldn't have any madras sports coats, would you? I've been looking for them everywhere."

Steinberg said there MIGHT be a few left, and soon a deal was made whereby the ten thousand jackets would be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit.

"There is one thing though," said the Australian buyer. "For an order this large, I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office. I don't anticipate any problem, and unless I send you a telegram by this Friday, the deal goes through as planned."

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday passed slowly, with the partners nervously waiting to see if the Australian would change his mind. more...

Why was Tiger’s wife mad at him?

She heard that he played a-round in Australia.

Australia. Where men are real menAnd sheep are scared shitlessAnd where the term' Going Down Under' means something entirely different

When Gavaskar finds out that there has been released, a movie, in Australia called "Gavaskar", he is very happy. He plans to watch it and gets a ticket for Australia at once.
With great difficulty he manages to get a ticket and very happily he goes to see the movie. But when he comes out of the cinema he is very angry!
He goes straight to the director of the movie and says, "What do you mean by this? You named your movie 'Gavaskar', but didnt show anything about me in it!".
The director of the movie laughs and says, "So now you understand the problem? You people too made a movie called 'Border', but did you show anything about Allan Border in it?"