Aunt Jokes / Recent Jokes

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeastinfection. He was 71. Known to friends as "Brown-n-Serve," Fresh was anavid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largestfuneral ceremonies in recent years.Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, theCalifornia Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the HostessTwinkies, and Skippy.The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how muchhe was kneaded."Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled withmany turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting muchof his dough on half-baked schemes - conned by those who buttered him up.Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Heenjoyed being prodded by his many friends who invariably poked fun athim.Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two more...

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country. The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same more...

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.
The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same more...

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary. "Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?" The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand." She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?" Again he went through his more...

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table. Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!""That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.
For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.
One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82, 500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82, 500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."

I Am Writing This Letter Slow, Because I Know You Can't Read Fast. We Do Not Live Where We Did When You Left Home. Your Dad Read In The Paper That Most Accidents Happen 20 Miles From Your Home, So We Moved. I Wont Be Able To Send You The Address As The Last Sardar Who Stayed Here Took The Numbers With Them For Their Next House, So They Would Not Have To Change Their Address. This Place Is Really Nice. It Even Has A Washing Machine. I Am Not Sure It Works Too Well. Last Week I Put 3 Shirts, Pulled The Chain And Haven't Seen Them Since Then.

The Weather Here Isn't Too Bad. It Rained Only Twice Last Week. The First Time It Rained 3 Days, And The Second Time For 4 Days. The Coat You Wanted Me To Send You, Your Aunt Said It Would Be A Little Too Heavy To Send In The Mail With All The Buttons, So We Cut Them Off And Put Them In The Pocket. We Got Another Bill From The Funeral Home. It Said If We Don't Make The Last Payment On Grandma's Funeral, He Will Come Up Again. Your Father more...