Aunt Jokes / Recent Jokes

True story told to me by my uncle Fred D. after my asking what was in Aunt Merle's cassarole dish.
During the depression years, Fred and his buddy were driving trucks on a Govt. road building project up in the Dakotas.
It was noon and they stopped their trucks at the roadside beside a small stream. There was an Indian encampment there between the road and the stream. One of the braves came up the hill to them and told them they could come down and eat with them out of the kettle.
They took their tin plates and cups and went down to eat with the Indians. Fred said that he knew what to expect so he took the ladle and put the stew on his plate and went over to sit on a log and eat.
But his buddy stayed behind and was stirring and poking into the stew, obviously trying to identify what was in it. Then one brave spoke up in a loud voice, "Ugh! Dig deep. Dog on bottom".
I never did learn what Aunt Merle put in her cassarole.

Excerpted from "Quotes, damned quotes and..." by John Bibby.
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
translate into their own language and forthwith it is something
entirely different. (Goethe)
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9
times out of ten it will. (Paul Harvey News, 1979)
"Give us a copper Guv," said the beggar to the Treasury
statistician when he waylaid him in Parliament square. "I
haven't eaten for three days." "Ah," said the statistician, "And
how does that compare with the same period last year?" (Russell
Lewis)
"I gather, young man, that you wish to be a Member of
Parliament. The first lesson that you must learn is, when I call
for statistics about the rate of infant mortality, what I want
is proof that fewer babies died when I was Prime Minister than
when anyone else was Prime Minister. That is a more...

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all
your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten
Live chicks.
The moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. more...

Dearest Koos
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your pa read in the newspaper that almost all accidents happen within 20 km of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your oom Frikkie said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in their pockets.
Pietie locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get more...

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes - conned by those who buttered him up.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 more...

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew, how much he was kneaded."Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes - conned by those who buttered him up.Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 more...

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast
infection. He was 71. Known to friends as "Brown-n-Serve," Fresh was an
avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest
funeral ceremonies in recent years.
Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the
California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess
Twinkies, and Skippy.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima,
delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much
he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with
many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much
of his dough on half-baked schemes - conned by those who buttered him up.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. He
enjoyed being prodded by his many friends who more...