Attention Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving
their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later then you think. It's Christmas!3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. more...

His maths teacher saw that Davie was not paying attention in class. "Davie! What's two, four, twenty-eight and forty-four?" she asked. "Pogo, MTV, HBO and the Cartoon Network."

Do I have your attention? Here is a theory....
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.

Here is a great letter from MIT to a prospective student and that student's response.


Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567

Dear John:

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.

But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.

The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!

Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.

What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life more...

The weeper
"You all hate me" is the typical line used by the weeper numerous times during the party. She is likely to spend most of the evening in the rest room holding the hand of a friend, who is patiently listening to her anguish, tears, and whiny vomiting. The weeper is a phase most girls go through when they get drunk for the first time every year.
The DAMP child
She is the cheerful type who does excessively energetic cartwheels and juggles beer bottles while claiming "I'm not drunk, I'm just in a really good mood", even though her eyes are rolling around in her head and her cheeks are blushing. She is simply impossible to bear in the long run and is likely to be sent into the kitchen to do the dishes. This type may turn into the weeper during the late hours.
Biker chick
This type goes into macho mode when she gets drunk. She becomes boastful and loud and belches a lot. She usually hangs out with the guys shocking them with foul-smelling, more...

Teacher: “I Wish You’d Pay A Little Attention. ”
Jugal: “I’m Paying As Little Attention As Possible. ”