Attention Jokes / Recent Jokes

At the marriage counselor's office, the woman complained, "What's-his-name here says I don't give him enough attention."

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who’s used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated.
You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood, which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.
What YOU carry is a ten-foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.
Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so more...

(name withheld) Minnetonka, MN 55345Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016Dear Sir: This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put "Stupidity". I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization. I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the more...

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
'Singles' bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
A man would no longer be considered a 'good catch' simply because he is breathing.
Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 20 kg.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
Little girls would read Snow White and the Seven Hunks.
Men would bring drinks, chips and dips to women watching soap operas.
Men would have to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
Men would learn phrases like: 'I'm sorry,' 'I love you,' 'Sure we can talk. Is now okay?'
Men would be more...

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
Men would get reputations for "sleeping around".
"Ms Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks".
Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.
Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
Men would have to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
Men would more...

A man stops into this little backwoods restaurant for lunch, and after finishing his meal he inquires the way to the rest room. He's told that it's around the back of the building, so he heads through the back door, finds the outhouse and takes a dump, only to discover there's no toilet paper. But there is a sign on the wall that reads, 'Wipe yourself with your finger, then insert the finger into this hole, and your finger will be cleaned with great attention.' So the man wipes up and sticks his finger through the hole. On the other side is standing a little boy holding a brick in either hand, who claps them together at the sight of the finger poking through. The guy screams in pain, yanks his hand back, and starts sucking on his finger. So now his finger is cleaned with great attention...

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.
To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing' Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"
"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.
The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.
"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing' Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.
"YES SIR!!" replies the seaman. He sprints for more...