Assholes Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink.
A few minutes later, he says to no one in particular, "All lawyers are assholes."
The fellow next to him lit into him. "How dare you just stereotypically categorize all lawyers as assholes? How have you missed that it's just not okay to cast aspersions on an entire group of people? You just try saying something like that about any other group of people and you'd get slugged. And you should! If you weren't such a jerk, I'd pour my drink all over you, but you're not worth the cost of my drink."
The fellow was properly abashed, and apologized. "Look, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to offend you," he says, "By the way, what kind of lawyer are you?"
"Lawyer? I'm no lawyer, you idiot. I'm an asshole!"
A redneck named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for. Clem went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said, Yup, he's burnt real bad; but you'll have to roll him over if you want me to identify him." So the mortician rolled the corpse over and Clem looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde." The mortician thought that was rather strange, but proceeded to bring in Zeke to identify the body. After the sheet was pulled back, Zeke took a look and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad; roll him over." So, again the mortician rolled the burnt corpse over, and Zeke looked down and said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde." Frustrated, the mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Zeke answered, "Well, Clyde had two assholes." "What!?" The disbelieving mortician asked, "He had TWO assholes?" "Yup, that's more...
A construction foreman asks if anyone can help identify a black man who has fallen 12 floors and is so smashed up he cannot be easily recognized. Two Polish brothers come forward and say it might be their friend Jake. "Well", says the foreman, "does he have any scars that would help to identify him?" "No", say the brothers, "but if it's our friend Jake he has two assholes." The foreman says, "how would you know such a thing?" And they say, "last week we invited Jake to a bar which we go and always get drunk at, because he said he had never been there before. But, he must have been there before, because when we walked in the bartender yells out,' here comes a black guy with those two assholes!'"
A obviously pissed off man walks into a bar and yells "All Lawyers are assholes! Show Me a Lawyer, and I'll show you an Asshole!" Another man walks up to the guy and says "I resent that statement!" The first guys says "Why, Are you a Lawyer?"
and the second guys replies "NO! I'm an ASSHOLE!"
Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer. He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to I. D. him. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. "Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll' im over," said Jim-Bob. The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." Not saying anything, but finding it a bit strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe to I. D. the body. "Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll' im over," said Billy-Joe. The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Dat ain't Bubba." "How can you tell?" asked the mortician. "Cause Bubba had two assholes," replied Billy-Joe. "Two assholes? That's impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed Bubba had two assholes, cause every time the three of us went to town, more...
A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink. A few minutes later he says, to no one in particular... "All lawyers are assholes."
The fellow next to him lit into him. "How dare you just stereotypically categorize all lawyers as assholes! How have you missed that it's just not okay to cast aspersions on an entire group of people? You just try saying something like that about any other group of people and you'd get slugged. And you should! If you weren't such a jerk, I'd pour my drink all over you, but you're not worth the cost of my drink."
The fellow was properly abashed, and apologized. "Look, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to offend you," he says, "By the way, what kind of lawyer are you?"
"Lawyer? I'm no lawyer, you idiot. I'm an asshole!"
Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer. He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to I.D. him. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. "Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over," said Jim-Bob. The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." Not saying anything, but finding it a bit strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. "Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll 'im over," said Billy-Joe. The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Dat ain't Bubba." "How can you tell?" asked the mortician. "Cause Bubba had two assholes," replied Billy-Joe. "Two assholes? That's impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed Bubba had two assholes, cause every time the three of us went to town, more...