Aspirin Jokes / Recent Jokes

Jane calls the doctor in a panic. "Doctor, doctor! My little Jimmy swallowed a dozen aspirin. What should I do?"The doctor asked Jane, "Are you sure it was a dozen?"The frantic mother says, "Absolutely! Doctor, I'm scared to death!"The doctor tells the mother, "Calm down. Is little Jimmy crying?"Jane says "No.""Is he sleeping?" asks the doctor."No." says Jimmy's mom.The doctor goes on with routine questions, "Is his color funny?"Again Jane says "No.""Did Jimmy throw up?" asks the methodical doctor."No." says the worried mom. "But I'm so scared. All that aspirin...shouldn't I do something?"To which the doctor says, "Try giving him a headache."

A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, "What the fuck are you doing?" "Just giving you an aspirin for your headache." The bloke answered." But I ain't got a headache," she yelled back." Good then, Lets fuck!" said the bloke.

In a company there are two employees, Jack and Jill. Both have been model
employees and have been much valued by the firm. However, due to financial
setbacks, the company is forced to let one of them go. But which one?
The boss decides on a plan. He will watch Jack closely for one day,
monitoring his performance. The next day, he will similarly scrutinize
Jill. Then he will announce which one he is going to keep and which one
will have to be fired.
The first day, Jack comes in early. He works hard all morning, not even
taking a coffee break. He skips lunch. He works hard all afternoon,
doesn't spend any time on the phone, and leaves late.
Noticing this, the boss begins to think, "If they're both such diligent
workers, the choice is going to be even harder."
The next day, Jill comes in late, complaining of a headache. She takes some
aspirin and hangs out at the water fountain talking to her friends. She
takes an extra more...

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.

The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."

"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."

"Show me," said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.

The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."

"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily more...

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." And Sarah says, "Can you just jack off? I have a headache!"

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in hisleft eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headacheand asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hourlater Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms." I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms." "Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you evertried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"

The software engineering community has been placing a great deal of
emphasis lately on metrics and their use in software development. The
following metrics are probably among the most valuable for a software
project:
The Pizza Metric
How: Count the number of pizza boxes in the lab.
What: Measures the amount of schedule under-estimation.
If people are spending enough after-hours time
working on the project that they need to have
meals delivered to the office, then there has
obviously been a mis-estimation somewhere.
The Aspirin Metric
How: Maintain a centrally-located aspirin bottle for use
by the team. At the beginning and end of each month,
count the number of aspirin remaining aspirin in the
bottle.
What: Measures stress suffered by the team during the project.
This most likely indicates poor project design in the
early phases, which causes over-expenditure of effort
later on. In the early phases, high more...