Analyst Jokes / Recent Jokes

A social worker, a minister, and a systems analyst set out one day to
play a friendly game of golf. At the course, they found a long line
waiting to get to the first tee. They asked the party in front of
them what the problem was, and were told that a group of blind golfers
was on the course ahead of them.
The following conversation ensued:
Social Worker: Isn't it wonderful what handicapped people can do if
you just give them half a chance?
Minister: It certainly is, but those golfers aren't on the
course alone. The Lord helps those who help
themselves.
Systems Analyst: Yeah, it's neat all right, but why the hell can't they
play at night?

Systems analyst: It's time you upgraded your computer network.

Business manager: Oh, we can't get rid of this computer.

Systems analyst: With a new system, your operation will be faster. Why would you want to keep this old computer?

Business manager: It knows too much.

Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back:3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

THE LIFE OF A COMPUTER ANALYST (Long but VERY Funny!) Monday ------ 8: 05am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let these people vote and drive, too? 8: 12am Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer... 8: 14 am User from 8: 05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport. 11: 00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she more...

The IBM salesman and the IBM system analyst went to spend
a weekend in the forest, hunting bear.
They hired a log cabin, and when they got there, took
their backpacks off and put them inside.
At which point the salesman said to the systems analyst:
"You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
The analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat
outside to await events. He did not have to wait too long.
Soon he could hear noises in the forest. The noises got
nearer - and suddenly there was the salesman, running
across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the
largest and most ferocious Brown Bears the analyst had
ever seen.
"Open the door!" shouted the salesman.
The analyst opened the door.
The salesman ran to the door, suddenly stopped, and
stepped aside.
The Bear carried by its momentum, continued though the
door and disappeared inside.
The salesman promptly shut the door on it, more...