Analyst Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A social worker, a minister, and a systems analyst set out one day to
    play a friendly game of golf. At the course, they found a long line
    waiting to get to the first tee. They asked the party in front of
    them what the problem was, and were told that a group of blind golfers
    was on the course ahead of them.
    The following conversation ensued:
    Social Worker: Isn't it wonderful what handicapped people can do if
    you just give them half a chance?
    Minister: It certainly is, but those golfers aren't on the
    course alone. The Lord helps those who help
    Systems Analyst: Yeah, it's neat all right, but why the hell can't they
    play at night?

    An engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were on their way to a tech conference on the other side of the mountains.
    Half way down the other side, the brakes gave out, and the engineer steered for all his life to keep the car from going clean off the edge.
    It was at the last second, skidding sideways towards doom, that the car finally stopped. One tire dropped over the edge.
    The three sprang from the car, shaking and panting. The engineer was the first to speak.
    "We could have been killed! I would like to get under the car and see just what happened to those brakes. Something has to be fixed."
    The systems analyst agreed. "Yes, but I'd like to see the design blueprints. We could fix the problem with these cars with a little research."
    The programmer was scratching his head. "I wonder if that's repeatable."

    A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10, 000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst.

    "You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"

    "What is your secret?" the analyst asked.

    "It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."

    "But, three and five is eight," the analyst protested.

    "I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"

    Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back:3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

    A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer are driving down a mountain road when the brakes fail. They scream down the mountain gaining speed every second and screeching around corners. Finally they manage to stop, more by luck than by judgment, mere inches from a thousand-foot drop to the jagged rocks on the valley floor. More than slightly shaken, they emerge from the car.
    "I think I can fix it," says the computer engineer.
    The systems analyst says, "No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist examine it."
    The programmer holds his chin between thumb and forefinger and says, "Okay, but first I think we ought to get back in and see if it does it again."

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