Adult Jokes / Recent Jokes
Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Ed said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Ted said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Ed said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Ted said.
"Straight, like normal," Ed said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Ted said.
Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Ted said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Ed said. "Like normal."
"Cripes," Ted said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."
The nymphomaniac said to her friend "I've got an odd problem -- every time I sneeze, I have a incredible orgasm."
Her friend asks "What are you doing about it?"
"Sniffing pepper" The Nympho replies
A mother and her son were flying' Southwest Airlines' from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said,' If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess,' If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The stewardess asked,' Did your mother tell you to ask me?' He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said,' Tell your mother that its because Southwest always pulls out on time.'
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, more...
: Why the Internet Is Like a Vagina
If you play with it too much you can go blind.
You wouldn't believe the things people put in there!
Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can't interface.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
The more people use it the bigger it gets.
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread more...
The Pastor approaches his pulpit one Sunday and said, "Before we get started today I want you to know that there are rumors running rampant-I've heard that there are many of you out there been a He's and a She's out of wedlock-if you been then get up and get out of my church right now!"
Some couples got up and left.
Then he said, "Some of you been a He's and He's-I want you to get up and get out of my church right now!"
Some guys got up and left.
He says, "Some of you ladies been a she's and she's-leave my church right now!" Some women left.
Old Brother Brown in the back got up and was leaving.
Pastor asked, "Where you going' Brother Brown?"
Brother Brown replied, "I know sooner or later you'll be getting' to men's and a men's and I'm just getting head start......"