Addition Jokes / Recent Jokes

Discretion advised when upgrading.
Last year, a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular aspect was included in the product brochure or documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and more...

MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff
FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper
SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures
Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a. 38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the park areas.
In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardio and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or may make arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., before meal time. Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient more...

Barbie's Letter To Santa:



Dear Santa,



Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME!



There had better be some change around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1999, Santa.



1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?



2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap more...

To: All university hospital nursing staff.
From: Administration/Groundskeeping
Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures.
Date: May 21,1997.
Effective August 1, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each
Charge Nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of
ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In
addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the
patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided
for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarity of
monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance
duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and
security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need
to let their families know to bring something, or make arrangements with
Subway, KFC, Dominos, etc. before more...

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.
In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatmen; the bitch has EVERYTHING! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered "Decorator Ken", more...

Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning
Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorise my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered: ”Decorator more...