Acceptable Jokes / Recent Jokes
Announcement:
It is the responsibility of the bride’s family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride’s parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).
Invitations:
Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like “You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000. ” will suffice nicely. If you don’t want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell “If you aint doing nothin’ on the 14th of March, why don’t you stop by more...
1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer’s statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work.
2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.
3. Death, Other than Your Own: This is no excuse. If you can arrange the funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.
4. Death, Your Own: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.
5. Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do, you’ll never do enough.
6. Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.
7. Advice from the Commanding Officer: Eat a live toad first thing in the more...
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call
to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to
"I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle,
you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked
for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of
your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an more...
This is guarantee to improve the economy and push Singapore into the new millennium. These rules will first be implemented in the Civil Service on 1st of Jan 2000 and will be encouraged in the private sector. NTUC union workers greatly welcome these changes as it will help more Singaporeans to achieved the new 7 Cs. WORK RULES SICKNESS: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof of illness, as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for. DEATH, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN: This is no excuse. If you can arrange for funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour more...
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a' cheers for the sex' would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to 29th February so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
5. The only show opposite' Monday Night Football' would be' Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.'
6. Instead of' beer-belly,' you'd get' beer-biceps.'
7. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
8. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.
9. When the Police pull you over, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. Example - Cop:' Do you know how fast you were going?' You:' All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.' Cop:' Nice one, that's $20 off.'
10. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
11. more...
An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy. Talk is cheap. Supply exceeds Demand. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Bentley's second Law of Economics: The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Berta's Fundamental Law of Economic Rents.. "The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Definition: Policy Analyst is someone unethical enough to be a lawyer, impractical enough to be a theologian, and pedantic enough to be an economist. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large more...