Abby Jokes

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him any more.
You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like it!

If Dear Abby Was A Man... Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful. A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour. Q: My more...

My littl girl Abby and I were playing in the grass of our front yard and we were on the steps ready to now cooome in when she saw a spider! She got creeped so I stepped on it and she said "
mom will it go to heaven?"
I said to her "
sure, why not?"
then she said "
cause its taking an auful long time!"
She thought the body of it would fly up into the sky! Kids these days .

Excerpts taken from real letters sent to' Dear Abby'
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Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?-- Curious
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Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
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Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with more...

The following are a few letters sent to Abigail Van Burin (Dear Abby) that she herself admitted she was at a loss to answer:Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.