Bumblesquash's Jokes

I was just taking a dip in the swimming pool when the lifeguard asked, "What have you got there?"

I replied, "Hummus."

My girlfriend asked, "Do you want to get married?"
I said, "Sure."
She said, "Great, when?"
I said, "Well like every other guy, when I meet the right girl."

I was ice-skating today just minding my own business when I noticed some big fat bird kept giving me the eye.
Eventually she came over. "Hi there, I'm a bit shy I'm not very good at breaking the ice," she laughed.
"Have you tried jumping?" I asked.

My wife shouted upstairs, "The sun's just come out."
I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs.
I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

Luckily, when my wife informed me that her cancer had come back, I was peeling an onion.

I always get my nan bread from the kebab shop...

I don't know why she's been dead thirty years.