toy Jokes / Recent Jokes

As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country.
It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the toy department in a big Los Angeles department store. Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby horse.
As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty more...

A CD of cats meowing popular Christmas songs.
A chew toy with the head already gnawed off by his canine brother
who chewed his way into the gift box around the 15th of the month.
A chew toy shaped like a shoe which he is immediately going to
confuse with the right sneaker of your favorite pair.
Central A/C for his Dogloo when you're still using individual wall
units that are barely up to cooling a small close-size area in
your house.
Anything Garfield.
A remote control for the refrigerator door.
A knitted pink sweater that makes your macho Doberman look like a
poodle.
A deluxe prepackaged treat-filled Christmas stocking
that's large enough for you to use as a sleeping bag.
Doggie antlers when your nearsighted hunting relatives will be
spending the holidays with you.
A stuffed toy dog with an angel's halo as a hint as to what he
has to do to get more presents next year.
A doggie door between you more...

Poor little Kenneth wanted a toy he could his own, and, dashing off a letter to God, hi implored the Almighty to see His way clear send him twenty dollars to buy one. He mail* the letter, which a well-meaning postal forwarded to City Hall. There it came to tl attention of the mayor, who pulled out a five dollar bill, wrote a nice note, and sent it off to Kenneth.
When the envelope arrived, Kenneth opened it and grew red with rage. Taking pen in hand, he wrote back to God, "Lord, thanks for the twenty dollars. Only why'd you send it through City Hall? The bastards kept seventy-five percent for taxes!"

In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human’s homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom’s toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat’s vomited food.
2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human’s full bladder at 5: 30 A. M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.
3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human’s leg, my human’s boss’s leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.
4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human’s more...

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison:

"Okay, Dad, you get the toy."

There was this guy. He often went away on trips, far from home, Long trips. While this man was away on his trips, his wife would get very very dissatisfied. Thus, she cheated on him, but when he came back, she felt guilty, so she always told him. Well, after a while, the man got very frustrated with his wife's adultry, so he went to an adult toy shop. He looked around, but saw nothing special.
The man knew he needed something special, so he decided to tell the salesclerk. "I need something really amazing for my wife. All I see here are normal toys."
"Well, there is the voodoo dick, but I don't want to sell you THAT." replied the clerk.
"Let me see it anyway!" Answered the man.
The salesclerk took him into a room and pulled out a box. He opened the box, and inside was something that looked like a normal toy.
"That's not special!" cried the man.
"Ah, but look. Voodoo dick, THE DOOR." The dick in the box got more...