"The Epic of the Baked Beans" joke

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.
He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction
on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they
would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go for me carrying on like
that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after
that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they
lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because
he had to walk. On is way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma
of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill
affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had
three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he "putt-putted". He
"putted" down one hill and "putt-putted" up the next. By the time he arrived
home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She
put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and
made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one
coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.
She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to
answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg
and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard
time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg
and "rrriiiipppp!" It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse.
To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge
coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue
ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute
later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the
conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he
carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each
time with his napkin.
When he heard the "phone farewells" (indicating the end of his loneliness, and
freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After
assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table
for his surprise birthday party.

Jamie admits he should have waited for Miley to break up with her dad before suggesting a sex tape.

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If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

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Knock Knock Who's there? Audrey! Audrey who? Audrey be doing this! Knock Knock Who's there? Augusta! Augusta who? Augusta go home now! Knock Knock Who's there? Aunt Lou! Aunt Lou who? Aunt Lou do you think you are! Knock Knock Who's there? Ashley! Ashley who? Ashley-t's foot! more...

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A cop pulled a guy over for speeding at which time the following conversation was exchanged:
Cop: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: Sorry, I don't have one. It was suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Cop: May I see the owner's card for the more...

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Why is santa claus always so happy?
He knows where all of the bad girls live!

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