"Prize-winning Schnauzer" joke

A woman was concerned that her prize-winning Schnauzer was going deaf. When she called him, he wouldn't come. When she took him out for a walk, he wouldn't heel like he had been taught to do. As a matter of fact, when the dog wasn't looking and she called him, he acted like he didn't hear her at all. So, she took him to the vet.
The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. "There's nothing wrong with your dog at all," he said. "Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he's deaf. He can't hear you, but he isn't deaf. This can be treated with a depilatory. I haven't any in stock, but you can buy some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy. It will work just as well as the doggy brand will."
So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and read over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice.
"How do I apply this product," she asked. "Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"
The druggist said, "For you legs, put it on straight. Right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I would recommend that you dilute it 50-50 with water."
"I don't think you understand," she said. "It's for my Schnauzer."
"Oh," said the druggist. "In that case, I suggest you dilute it 3 to 1 with water. And, by the way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."

Ole and Sven went fishing one summer and decided to rent a boat from the resort instead of fishing from the shore. They rowed out a ways and started to fish. They caught one fish after the other. Ole says to Sven, "I wish we could mark this spot. It’s the best fishing more...


q. What’s the gallbladder’s favorite band?
a. The Rolling Stones.


all we need to do is put a flashlight to your hairline then we will get the batmat symbol


One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disneyland. When they saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" they turned around and went home.


Two pollocks were walking in the woods when they came across a sheep with it's head stuck in a fence.
The one pulls down his pants & does the sheep.
Then he turns to his buddy and said, "Ok it's your turn."
So his buddy sticks his head in the fence.

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