"Good 'ol Gary Lising" joke

: Gary Lising (The following was copied without permission from the souvenir progamme of the "The Fabans & Friends - A Grand Reunion!" concert in Manila sometime 1996.) My name is Gary Lising. Secretary of Health Juan Flavier once said that I have a very nice name -- for a disease. I was voted as the sex symbol of Assumption College because according to them, I am the only entertainer that looks like a sex organ. I was already a celebrity even when I was a baby. I weighed 48 pounds when I was born -- but weighed only 3 pounds after I was circumcised. I was the only abortion that lived. I was such an ugly baby. My mother only puts the negatives of my pictures in our family album. I was a very thin baby because I was a breastfed baby -- I was breastfed by my father. I grew up to be a boy wonder -- everybody always looked at me and wondered. I studied at the Ateneo de Manila where I took up B. S. Economics. That explains why up to now I still am poor as ever. I went to the United States where I put up my own business that went bankrupt. My business was selling PX goods. I lived in the penthouse of a 50 story building. My rent was only 200 dollars a month. It was very cheap because it was walkup -- no elevator. I was drafted by the U. S. Army but I got exempted because of my religion -- I am a devout coward. I came back to the Philippines because I miss the brownouts. We should be proud of this fact because in the U. S. they don't have brownouts. We are the only country that has it. Another thing to be proud of is the merging of Erap Estrada's "PACC" with Gringo Honasan's "YOU" -- it would be known as "PACC YOU". My father is Dr. Jose Lising, a bisexual -- every time he sees sex he buys it. My mother Nieva Lising is a very religious woman -- she is a nun.
My parents are in the iron and steel business. My mother irons and my father steals. I am married to Maris Paredes who up to now believes that love is really blind. I also have a son, Bugsy, he's only five years old and he already knows how to be ashamed of me. I am also a firm believer in a lot of very serious facts of life. Let me share with you a few meaningful facts that I believe in: I BELIEVE... that if you read too much about the bad effects of smoking -- give up reading. I BELIEVE... that you should never make love with your eyes unless you are cockeyed. I BELIEVE... Dick Gordon when he said that women should be put up in a pedestal -- high enough so you could look up their dresses. I BELIEVE... Baby Boy Poblador when he said that women are the foundation of our society. I also believe him when he said that men are the ones who laid the foundation. I BELIEVE... Lolit Solis when she said that Mayor Lim was her former boyfriend. I BELIEVE... Mari Mar when she cried -- I saw tears running down her legs. I BELIEVE... that Fr. Donelan will outlive us all.


English tourists driving through New Zealand countryside when they spot 4 maori falla's struggling with a huge pole against the woolshed.
Curious they stop, watch and take photo's. Finally one of the tourist's curiosity gets the better of him, so he walks over to them and more...


Maori falla " Me miss!?"
English Teacher, "You! yes you?" "How many seconds are there in one minute?" Whole class puts their hands up. Miss! Miss! I know!
Maori falla " rrrrrrrr ummmmmmm rrr "60 Miss! 60 seconds in one minute more...


China, New Zealand, New England, and Samoa were all building a big Tower for their leaders. So after they were done building the tower each leader wanted to make a toast. China went first. He steps up and says, "I want to make a toast to the Great Wall of China!" All more...


A lovely woman decided to visit a penthouse restaurant. So she rode the elevator to the top floor of the building. She had a drink at the bar and then decided to get some fresh air, so she walked out on the balcony. She got too close to the railing and fell over the more...


I'm hungry:

"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll more...

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