Youve Jokes / Recent Jokes
Youve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your carin the ten items or less lane.
Youve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
Youve found yourself discussing rain gutters.
You remember your kids names, just not always the right one.
You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.
You buy age-defying makeup and antiwrinkle creams and believe they work.
Youve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.
As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo more...
I see youve got your bill for using the InternetYes, and my dads really going to get the hump!
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "Its not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "Its not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "Its not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since youve had a cigarette?""Ten years!", he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since youve had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, thats more...
There once was an accountant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself."Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, weve never once had an accountant make it this far and were not really sure what to do with you.""No problem, just let me in." said the accountant. "Well, Id like to, but I have higher orders. What were going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in. " "Actually, I think Ive made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven" "Sorry, we have rules..."And more...
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriffs office and said, "Youve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.""What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff."I dont care, just do something about those drivers!"So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSINGThree days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "Youve got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go faster."So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAYAnd that really sped them up. So the f armer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the more...
What did one centipede say to the other centipede? Youve got a lovely pair of legs, Youve got a lovely pair of legs, Youve got a lovely pair of legs, Youve got a lovely pair of legs, Youve got a lovely pair of legs, Youve got a lovely pair of legs. ...!
An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire. "What sort of accountant are you?" says St Peter"Public Practitioner," is the reply."Name?"He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out."Oh, yes. Weve been expecting you. Youve reached your allotted span," says St Peter."How can that be?" says the accountant. "Im too young to go. Im only forty-eight""No, thats impossible. ""Why do you say that?""Well weve been looking at your time sheets and the hours youve charged your clients. By our reckoning youre at least ninety three."