Worn Jokes / Recent Jokes

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You speed walk in your sleep. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." You answer the door before people knock. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You lick your coffeepot clean. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to more...

Man is like an automobile. As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline.
When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top. The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning.
It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging.
But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows. Gentlemen, start your engines.

You've ever worn hunter's orange to church.
You have barnyard animals living in your house.
Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she had paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?"

You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her
husband in bed with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to
storm out of the house, he stopped her with these words. "Before you
leave, I want you to know how this all came about. Driving down the
highway I saw this young girl looking tired and bedraggled, so I
stopped, and brought her home. Then I made her a meal from the roast
beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had some old worn out
sandals on her feet so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had
discarded because they'd gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her
the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because
the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn so I gave her a pair
of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you now. Then as
she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked,' Is there
anything else your wife doesn't use more...

Man is like an automobile. As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top. The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging. But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows. Gentlemen, start your engines.