Word Jokes / Recent Jokes
Some lessons learned in life:
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.
No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Never lick a steak knife.
Take out the more...
"Doctor, doctor, during my operation I heard the surgeon use a four- letter word that upset me very much."
"What word was that?"
"Oops."
A Minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, church, I am going to say a single word and you aregoing to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."
The Pastor hollered out, "Grace."
The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The Pastor said, "Power."
The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood."
The Pastor said, "Sex."
The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Suddenly, from the back of the church, a frail little 87 year-old grandmother stood up and, in a tiny more...
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and he really needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled, "Teacher, Teacher, I have to go pee pee!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, you should be old enough to know that this is not the proper word to use?""The correct word would be urinate."
"Now Johnny, would you please use the word urinate in a sentence?"Little Johnny thought for a moment then said:, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten!"
A husband and wife with two kids decide that they should come up with a secret code word for having sex so they could suggest it when the kids were around. The wife decided that they would substitute the word "laundry" in place of the word "sex." Every night that week, after dinner, the husband would ask the wife if she would like to go and do some laundry. She would comply and they would head off to bed.
However, as in any marriage, there came a night when the wife wasn't really in the mood. The husband asked her again, as usual, if she would like to do some laundry with him later. She declined, saying she was tired and needed to get some sleep.
After tossing and turning for an hour, she changed her mind and decided maybe if she did do some "laundry" she would be able to sleep. She rolled over and asked her husband if he was still interested in doing the laundry.
The husband replied, "Sorry honey, it was only a small load, so I more...
Fuck is such a versatile word... Greetings: How the fuck are you! Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer. Trouble: Well, I guess I'm fucked now. Confusion: What the fuck...? Retaliation: Up your fucking ass! Denial: I didn't fucking do it. Apathy: Who gives a fuck anyway? Suspicion: Who the fuck are you? Directions: Fuck off. Chronology: It's Five-Fucking-Thirty! Business: I hate this fucking job. Oedipal: Motherfucker. The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history: Where the fuck is all that water coming from?-Captain of the TitanicThat's not a fucking real gun. - John LennonWho's going to fucking know?-President NixonAny fucking idiot could understand that. - Albert EinsteinWhat the fuck was that?-Mayor of HiroshimaIt fucking does "so" look like her. - PicassoHow the fuck did you work that out?-PythagorasYou want "what" on the fucking ceiling?-MichelangeloFuck a duck. - Walt DisneyScattered showers my fucking ass!-NoahPick up the fuckin' more...