Woods Jokes / Recent Jokes

Tigers Attorneys issued the following statement: "Mr. Woods would like to take a mulligan."

The newlyweds are on their honeymoon, preparing to consummate their marriage, when the wife says, "I have a confession to make, dear. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other man."
"In this day and age, that's no big thing, honey," the husband says. "Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods," she confesses.
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?" he asks.
"Yes, that's him," she says.
"Well, he is handsome, rich and famous, so I can understand why you went to be with him," he replies.
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" she asks. "I'm hungry, so I thought I'd call room service for some food," he explains. "Tiger wouldn't do that!" she exclaims.
"Oh, really? What would Tiger do?" he asks.
"Tiger would come back to bed and do it a second time," she replies.
He puts more...

Santa: Wow Banta, Where Did You Get The Cycle, From? Banta: I Was Walking On The Highway When A Beautiful Lady Came In This Cycle And Asked Me -”Want A Ride Mr. Singh? ” I Hopped In, And She Took Me To The Woods. Once In Woods She Got Outside Took Off Clothes And Said To Me “Mr. Singh. Take Anything” Santa Is Quite Excited And Asks “What Did You Do Santa? ” Banta: I Took The Cycle. Santa: Good Show - You Wouldn? T Have Fit Into Her Clothes!

God, Jesus and John the Baptist are playing golf up in heaven. On the first tee, JB leads off and hits a big blast right down the gut; it rolls to a stop about 270 yards out, perfect lie. Jesus steps up next and kills the ball, sending it about 300 yards straight away, perfect lie.
God steps up and waggles and wiggles and then badly hooks his ball into the trees. As it flies in, a huge oak is struck by lightning and splits, one half falling into the path of the oncoming ball and knocking it into the fairway. As it comes to a rest, a bare 50 yards out, a squirrel darts out of the woods on the other side and grabs the ball and takes off towards the left-side woods. Before he gets in, an eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel, carrying it aloft down the fairway. Just as it passes over the green, the eagle is pelted by hailstones, whereupon it drops the squirrel (still clutching the ball) onto the green about three feet from the hole. Dazed, the squirrel spits the ball out where it more...

Little Johnnie sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace".
Johnnie finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedtly:
"MOMMYMOMMY, IWAS ATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.."
Mommy tells him to slow down, she wants to hear the story, so Johnny tells her; "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the seat, then Daddy.."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnnie, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks more...

On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession." I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man" she tells her new hubby. The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?. The wife answers. .. well maybe! Husband asks who it was. The wife answers - it was Tiger Woods. Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, he's not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon "thing". When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone." What are you doing?" asked his bride." I'm calling for room service. After all that work I'm hungry!"The wife says, "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Really! Just what would TIGER do?" says the husband. Well we would do it again! Ok says the husband and jumps into the bed. This same thing happens two more times, after which the guy more...

In preparation for the upcoming deer hunting season (a season which receives more attention than Christmas in my midwest neck of the woods) I offer the following Deer Hunter Opening Day Summation:
1:00 a.m.Alarm clock rings.
2:00 a.m.Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
3:00 a.m.Leave for deep woods.
3:15 a.m.Arrive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 a.m.Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 a.m.Set up camp - forgot the damn tent!
4:30 a.m.Head into the woods.
6:05 a.m.See a deer.
6:06 a.m.Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 a.m.Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 a.m.Head back to camp.
9:00 a.m.Still looking for camp.
10:00 a.m.Realize you don't have a clue where camp is.
12:00 noonFire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 p.m.Out of bullets - 6 deer come by.
12:20 p.m.Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 p.m.Realize you ate poisoned berries.
12:45 p.m.Rescued.
12:55 more...