Wood Jokes / Recent Jokes
*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***
(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down more...
What is the difference between a lawyer and a wood tick?
A wood tick falls off when you die.
*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has more...
Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a surgeon.
The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said "I got done quicker than I expected. Jim is down at the pub." Joe went to he pub and there was Jim, throwing darts.
A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.
The surgeon said "No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours." Joe left and when he came back in 6 hours the surgeon said "I finished early, Jim's down at the soccer field." Joe went down to the soccer field and there was Jim, kicking goals.
A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag more...
OToole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time hed been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, its 15 years since my last confession, and Ive been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest. "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" OToole said, "Father, if you have the plans, Ive got the lumber."
Noah And Today's ArkThe Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am goingto make it rain until the whole world is covered with water andall the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few goodpeople and two of every living thing on the planet. I am orderingyou to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he deliveredthe specifications for the ark."OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with theblueprints, "I'm your man.""Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "Youbetter have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, longtime!"Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain beganto fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting inhis yard, weeping, and there was no ark."Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning boltcrashed into the ground right beside Noah."Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, more...
This (Blonde) fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some
trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about
various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why
don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get
the top-of- the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred
cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the
trees.After cutting for several hours and only cutting two
cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong
with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two
cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the
morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.
So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and
cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only
manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad more...