Wood Jokes / Recent Jokes

I have a fruitcake which has been in my family for several years. Apparently,
my family saves them for the following year and gives them as a gift to
someone else. That's how the fruitcake that I gave my mother four years ago
finally made its way back into my hands. (Mom gave it to brother, brother
gave it to sister, then sister gave it to me).

Since the fruitcake tradition appears to be unstoppable, this year I've decided
to replace our family's fruitcake with a more durable one which we will cherish
for years.

Items Needed
-------------
4 Oz. Fruit Bits
1 Railroad Tie
Wood Saw
Large Rubber Mallet
Safety Goggles

WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES.
(Children Get help from an adult!)

Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting
block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.

Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the more...

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" "What? And work in the dark!?!"

After big tragedies the net often swims with humor about the people and event involved. Some people think this is a healing process, others find it in bad taste.

WARNING: DO NOT READ If think you might be offended by Sonny Bono death jokes.

======================================================

What do Cher and a 50 year old Redwood have in common?
They both got nailed by Sonny Bono. .

What's the difference between Al Gore and Sonny Bono?
One's a tree-hugging stiff...
and the other's a tree-hugging stiff.

That makes it...
TREES. ........ 2
Celebrites. ... 0

Death by snow:
Michael Kennedy,
Sonny Bono,
Chris Farley

What was the most surprising thing about the discovery of Sonny's body?
That he was recognized.

Why did Sonny die in a ski accident?
After being a mayor and a congressman, he wanted to be a Kennedy.

Police reported it was a quick more...

A doctor of psychology was making his usual morning rounds. When he entered a patient's room, he found one patient sitting on the floor sawing a piece of wood with the side of his hand, and the other hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
The doctor asked the patient sitting on the floor what he was doing.
"Can't you see I'm sawing a piece of wood in half?" replied the patient, irritated by the doctor's question.
"And what is that fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" inquired the doctor.
"Oh, he's my friend," the patient replied, "but he is a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
"If he's your friend," the doctor said, "you should ask him to come down from there before he hurts himself."
"What?" the patient exclaimed, "And work in the dark?!?"

There were 3 men who wanted to buy toilets. So they went to the nearest store and were looking at the new designs of the toilets.
The first guy asks for a toilet that would go nice in his log cabin out in the woods. So the salesman gives him a toilet made of wood.
The second guy asks for a toilet that would be nice for an igloo. So the salesman givse him a toilet made of ice.
The third guy asked for the nicest toilet they have that would go in the National History of Canada Museums employee restroom. So the salesman gives him a singing toilet with a picture of the Canadian flag on the tank.
Well they all get what they ask for.
The next day all 3 men come back with their toilets.
The first man says, "This toilet sucks. Whenever I try to use it I get pieces of wood stuck in my butt."
The second man says, "This toilet sucks. Whenever I try to use it my butt gets frozen to the seat and I have to use a hairdryer to get my butt off."
The more...

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I more...

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Anonymous
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by more...