Weigh Jokes / Recent Jokes

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown."

Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK??" In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said' Turn Around!'"

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds."WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartenderrecognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "10 pounds."The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened? The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
"Wow! Twenty pounds!" exclaimed many at the bar as they congratulated the proud father.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? Didn't he weigh twenty pounds at birth?"
The proud Texas father said, "Yup... just had him circumcised!"

Mr. Winterbottom arrived at the airport and spotted a computerized weighing machine in the lobby. Curious he dropped a quarter in the slot and stepped on it as a voice announced. "You are five feet, ten inches tall, weigh 165 pounds, and you are taking a plane to Australia."

Impressed by the machine's accuracy, he tried it again. "You are five feet, ten inches tall," the voice repeated, "Weight 165 pounds, and you are taking a plane to Australia."

The third time he decided to try to fool the machine. He took his suitcase into the men's room and changed into a different coat and tie. Pulling his hat over his ears to hide his face, Winterbottom dropped another quarter into the machine. "You are five feet, ten inches tall, weigh 165 pounds," the voice announced, then added, "and while you were changing your clothes, you missed the plane to Australia."

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you; so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and more...

A Texan Is drinking in a New York Bar.
He gets a call on his cell phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a
typical Texan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Texan baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!"
were heard.
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar.
The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Texan baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen more...

This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me. So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again. So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the more...