Voice Jokes / Recent Jokes

New, from Mattel...!
[ANNOUNCER]
New MIGHTY-MORPHIN'-JESUS action figures!
With realistic healing and smiting action!
[VOICE OVER]
[child #1]
"Aaannggg... Oh no! G.I. Joe is hit... Cobra leader is
getting away!"
[whirring sound... Mighty-Morphin-Jesus' eyes light and head spins]
[child #1 in Jesus voice]
"You are healed my son... now go forth and kick some ass."
[child #2 in G.I. Joe voice]
"Thanks J-man., Let's go Joes!"
[ANNOUNCER]
Now you're in control... fight the forces of evil with new
Mighty-Morphin-Jesus the action figure.
[Action shot of Jesus figure and He-Man battling Skeletor]
He's back from the dead and he's pissed.
[VOICE OVER]
[child #2 in Skeletor voice]
"So Jesus, we meet again... will you never learn that evil
is stronger than good?"
[child #1 in Jesus voice]
"That may be, my unholy friend, but I know something even more...

An elderly gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. When he arrived, the waiting room was filled with patients.
He approached the receptionist, who was a large, burly woman, and gave her his name. In a bellowing voice, the receptionist said, "Oh yes, I see your name here. You're here to see the doctor regarding your impotence problem, right?"
The heads of all the patients in the waiting room immediately snapped around to look at the very embarrassed man.
Recovering quickly, and in an equally loud voice, the man replied, "Actually, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation... and I'd like the same doctor that did yours."

Moses is sitting in the Egyptian ghetto, things are going terrible: the
Pharoah won't even talk to him, the rest of the Hebrews are mad at him
for making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He's about
ready to give up.
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice speaks from above: "You, Moses, heed
Me. I have good news, and bad news."
Moses is staggered. The voice continues:
"You, Moses, will lead the
people of Israel from bondage. If the pharoah refueses to release your
bonds I will smote egypt with a rain of frogs.
"You, Moses, will lead
the people of Israel to the promised land. If the pharoah blocks your
way I will smote egypt with a plague of locusts.
"You, Moses, will lead
the people to freedom and safety. If the pharoah's army pursues you, I
will part the waters of the red sea to open your path to the promised
land."
Moses is stunned. He stammers, "That's, that's more...

Always walk with a document in your hands:
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. Those with a newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make certain you carry loads of stuff home with you at night. This will generate the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
Use computers to look busy:
Any time you use a computer, it looks like 'work' to the casual observer. You can send/receive personal email, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These are not exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they aren't bad either. When you get caught by the boss, and you *will* get caught, your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable more...

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqis!"
The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then
silence.
The voice then calls out "One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis!"
Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The American voice calls out again "One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!"
The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, more...

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

When Mahathir was visiting Singapore, PM Goh though he'd show the M'sian Premier Singapore's Telecommunication capabilities. As the M'sian entourage was touring SingTel's corporate HQ, being shown all it's new telecom technology, Dr. M noticed a strange telephone sitting in one corner of the room. Walking over, he found the phone glowed dark red, and had weird occultic symbols where numbers ought to be.

He turned to ask the SingTel representative what it was. The rep stiffened momentarily, then answered,' It's a hotline to hell, Dr Mahathir.' Curious, Dr M wanted to give it a try. Picking up the handset, he heard a rumbling demonic voice,' Please deposit S$10, 000 for the first minute.' When Dr. M returned home, he called up the Minister responsible for telecommunications and told him of his discovery.

The minister then said,' Oh, we have that too, sir. We just don't like to talk about it.'' Let me see it.' said Dr. M. So the minister brought Dr M. to see the more...