United Jokes / Recent Jokes
The Vancouver [British Columbia] Sun, Thursday, 18 March 1993, page A13 lead headline "United States""Hospital costs prove 40% less in Canada by Daniel Haney, AP Science writerWashington - Hospitals cost almost 40 per cent more in the United States than in Canada, largely because [...]U. S. hospitals are more expensive, in part, because the cases they treat are 14 percent more complex. [Dr. Donald] Redelmeier, of Wellesley Hospital in Toronto, writing in the New England Journal of Medicine] said this reflects social differences between the two countries." Frostbite of the nose is not as expensive to treat as a shotgun wound to the belly." he said.
November 15, 1996 - PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first."
The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
While on a United Airlines flight with her son, a mother noticed that the young boy appeared to be deep in thought.
Suddenly, he turned to her and said, "If big cats have baby cats and big dogs have baby dogs, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
Unable to think of an answer, the mother told him to ask the flight attendant. So, the boy asked the flight attendant, "If big cats have baby cats and big dogs have baby dogs, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
"Did your mother tell you to ask me?" asked the flight attendant.
"Yes," replied the little boy.
"Well, tell your mother that United always pulls out on time," the flight attendant said.
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town`s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500, 000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn`t you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um. .. no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister`s husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer`s voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless more...
Bill, Al, and Hillary all die in a plane crash. Upon reaching Heaven, they are escorted as important personages directly to see God. God looks at Bill and asks, "Bill, you've sinned a great deal. Why should I allow you to enter into Heaven?"
"Well, gee, God," replies Bill, "I'm the Pres-ee-dent of the United States. I've been trying to help people - you know give them universal health care and protect them from those mean-spirited Republicans who want to starve their children and throw sick old people out into the street." God considers this a moment and says, "Oh, okay. Sit over here on my left." He turns to Al. "Al, why should I let you into Heaven?" "Well, Lord, I'm the Vice President of the United States. I've tried to protect the environment from abuse by those mean-spirited Republicans and even wrote a very important book about it." God thinks a moment and says, "All right. Sit over here on my right. Now, more...
China blames U.S. for second mid-air collision! Beijing (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated they are holding the United States,? Fully responsible" for today? s mid air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American aircraft. This comes just weeks after a similar incident involving a U.S. spy plane. Officials have stated that at approximately 8:46am, GMT, a squadron of F-8 fighters collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese fighters downed and the blimps electronic billboard damaged.A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision involving his squadron, nicknamed "Panda Rash", told China's news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and onto wingman Thee Sum Yun Dork's f-8 jet. "I told Thee Dork his tail was all broken. Keep it straight. Keep it straight." said the pilot "He could not shake the American foreign-devil" The blimp reportedly then veered left then right, taking more...