Uncle Jokes / Recent Jokes

A male teen walks up to his uncle.
"Where's Aunt Rhodie?" said the teen.
"In the living room," said his uncle.
The teen walks to the door.
"I wouldnt go in there if I were you," said the uncle, "they're talking about female things."
The male teen walks in anyway -
(a moment in the hall passes) -
the teen comes out all grossed out.
"What's wrong?" said the uncle.
"I thought you meant SHOES!" said the teen.

This was taken from an episode of "Welcome back, Kotter". Its not verbatim.
Mr. Kotter (to Julie): "Did i ever tell you about my uncle Herman, the hunter? Well, he wasn't really a hunter, his mother just wanted him to have a hobby. So she bought him a hunter's suit, a hunter's cap, and a rifle, and told him: "Now go out into the woods and shoot some game."
So he went out hunting, and out of some nearby bushes steps a beautiful girl, wearing a hunter's suit, a hunter's cap, and carrying a rifle. So he asked her: "Are you game?"
She said "Sure."
So he shot her.

1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car. 2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. 3. You think the stock market has a fence around it. 4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater. 5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. 6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 7. You own a homemade fur coat. 8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. 9. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so Ican take a bath." 11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in." 12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. 13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. 15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call fromthe Governor to spare a loved one. 16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hallbecause of her language. 17. Someone more...

Once george bush, osama bin laden, musharraf, manmohan singh & a schoolboy were travelling in a plane. Suddenly, the pilot
Came and said - "this plane is about to crash. Put on your parachutes and jump!" there were only 4 parachutes. Bush said - "i
Am the president of the most powerful country in the world. I should stay alive" - and he jumped off the plane. Bin laden
Said - "i am the most dangerous terrorist in the world. I should stay alive" - and he jumped off. Musharraf said - "i am the
Greatest supporter of osama as well as bush. I should stay alive" - and he jumped off. Manmohan said to the boy - "son, there
Is only one parachute left. You are the future of our country. You jump and let me die." the boy said - "don't worry sir,
There are 2 parachutes left." "how can you say that?" "musharraf uncle took my schoolbag!"

ARKANSAS MOTHER WRITES HER SONDearest Redneck Son, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain... we haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried more...

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"

The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."

"What was the result?"

"It was an eight year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him -- and then that stupid letter arrived!"

Saturday morning... and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf
when he realises that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes
the washing machine is coming around at noon.
Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" Says a little
girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is Mammy near the
phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
honey!"
"Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mammy!" she replies.
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do?? Put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mammy and Uncle
Frank that my car's
just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" she says.
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I more...