Turn Jokes / Recent Jokes

25 facts of life1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.6. A penny saved is worthless.7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.9. The one more...

-Your mom is so fat, I rolled over twice and I was still on top of her.
-Your mom is so fat, you need a Thomas Guide to find her asshole.
-Your mom is so fat, when she falls out of bed she falls on both sides.
-Your mom is so fat, when she wears a yellow coat she looks like a school bus.
-Your mom is so fat, she has her own zip code.
-Your mom is so fat, she plays hopscotch like this: California, Nevada, Arizona...
-Your mom is so fat, when her beeper goes off people think she's backing up.
-Your mom is so fat, when she sits around the house, she literally sits around the house.
-Your mom is so fat, when she goes to the beach, people yell out, "Whale Sighting!"
-Your mom is so fat, we get a drought every time she takes a shower.
-Your mom is so fat, she uses hula hoops to hold up her socks.
-Your mom is so fat, every time she walks her butt claps.
-Your mom is so fat, she's on both sides of the family.
-Your mom is so fat, more...

LEVEL 1: It’s 11: 00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I’m cool. ”
LEVEL 2: It’s midnight. You’ve had a few more beers. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you’re thinking, “Hey! I’m out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I’m cool. ”
LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You’ve abandoned beer for tequila. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you’re thinking, “Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen! ” At level three, you love the more...

You know you've lost your status of "Cool" when:
You find yourself listening to talk radio.
You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.
You think "Tragically Hip" is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining them.
You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
When jogging is something you do to your memory.
Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair. Sex becomes "all that more...

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?""274" was his reply.The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?""Tuesday" replies the second man.The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times
three"?"Nine" says the third man."That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I`ll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I`ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, more...

A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light, where it wasn't allowed.
"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" he said.
"That's OK, Dad," his son replied. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."