Turn Jokes / Recent Jokes

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you suddenly realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail. As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn!" Your boss is standing behind you. And it's his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out and you're the only coffee drinker there. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?" You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

7. Put M&M's on layaway.

8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

11. Look more...

Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
A: Kick open the car door.

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...
' Beautiful, more...

"Hey, this is a nude beach. I ain't getting in that cold water!" - Shrinkaphobia
"Get that *^%#*# vodka bottle away from me!!" - Carmenelectraphobia
"He's coming straight for us - with his left turn signal on!" - Oldfartophobia
"You have to push 'Start' to turn the damn computer off?!" - Windophobia
"I won't go to your frat house to eat gyros and watch a tape of the Israel Philharmonic Orchestra on your old Sony VCR!" - ThetaFetaMetaBetaphobia
"No! Don't call the plumber!!!" - Buttcrackaphobia
"No, I don't want to watch 'Friends.' That blonde chick freaks me out." - Phoebephobia
"Um, Doctor, why are you putting on that rubber glove?" - Probeophobia
"You're busy Saturday? Well, how about next weekend then?" - Rentanotherpornophobia
"It's NOT my imagination! Senator Helms is looking at me "that" way again!" - Homophobophobia
"Honey, I more...

How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? She opens the car door.

One day a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were hiking when they came across a cliff.
There was no bridge and they couldn't think of anyother way to get across so they decided to turn around and go back. Just then a magical fairy appeared and said that they could turn into anything they wanted to help them get across the cliff, all they had to do was run, jump, and say the name of it. The brunette ran and jumped and yelled out, "Eagle," and she soared across the cliff. The redhead ran and jumped then yelled, "Hawk," and flew across to the other side. Then it was the blonde's turn she ran and jumped. When she was in mid air, she forgot what she was going to say and yelled "O crap!"....