Truly Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    /* GCFL wishes all our readers a Merry Christmas! */
    When I was a child of about twelve years old, we had a Christmas that I have never forgotten. We grew up in humble means to say the least, but we generally always had one or two gifts under the tree even if they were only socks and underwear.
    During this particular Christmas, by good fortune we had many gifts. For the first time in a long time, we received a lot of the things we actually wanted. I was one of seven children, so this was a very big deal. We were all so excited and could hardly wait until Christmas morning.
    However, on that Christmas Eve, after careful reflection and much heated discussion, my father decided that it was much too much, and that in this frenzy that we had lost the true meaning of Christmas.
    With much trepidation, we were instructed to hand over all but one of our unopened gifts. There was some crying, some anger, some shock and disbelief. What happened next truly astounded us. My more...

    Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley were the two richest men in town, and complete shites both of' em. They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage and cheated widows out of their last mite. And that was just for starters.

    Finally Seamus up and dies, and Mike pays a visit to the priest.
    "Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You'll be givin' the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say "Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."

    "I won't do such a thing. T'would be a lie!"

    "I know you will," says Mike. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose."

    The priest is over a barrel. "And if I pledge to say those words, then you'll sign the note over free and clear?" "Done," cackles Mike, and he signs over the note.

    Next morning at the funeral, the more...

    Here it is nicely illustrated:
    Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:' 'Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
    And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
    And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I more...

    Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two years,
    and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I
    am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I
    think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people
    2,000 years ago.
    Yours truly, A Commuter Dear Sir: We received your letter with
    reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are
    somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation
    2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, The Railroad Gentlemen:
    I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
    confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of
    David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his
    ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on
    your train in the last two years.
    Your truly, A Commuter

    A blonde woman and a red-headed woman are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad. But first, the terrorists ask the red-headed woman if she has any last words. The red-head points and says, "Twister!" The terrorists ran in all different directions and the red-headed woman gets away. When they realize what has happened, the come back and to where the blonde woman is still standing, and they ask her if she has any last words. She points and says, "Fire!" Blonde
    Genie in a bottle "A blonde woman and her mother-in-law were among a group of women playing ball in the woods during a family reunion. They eventually lose the ball, so the daughter-in-law goes into the woods to find the ball they lost. While searching, she came across an oil lamp, and upon rubbing it, there appeared a genie.
    The genie said, "Because you let me out of my lamp, I'll grant you 3 wishes, though your mother-in-law whom more...

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