Training Jokes / Recent Jokes
During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degree.
"But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees," called out a conscript.
"Don`t be stupid," the sergeant roared. "This is a small circle."
Energetic self-starter: You’ll be working on commission. Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law. Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this. Fast learner: You will get no training from us. Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours. Good organizational skills: You’ll be handling the filing. Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme. Management training position: You’ll be a salesperson with a wide territory. Much client contact: You handle the phone or make “cold calls” on clients. Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits. Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors. Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work. Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements. Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already. more...
Retire Aged Personell EarlyTO ALL MCCCD EMPLOYEESFROM GOVERNING BOREDDATE 22 APR 19861. As a result of the HAYZE mismanagement study, we mustdrastically cut most salaries and reduce our number of personnel.Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting management to focus its abuse on youngeremployees who represent our future.2. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by theend of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placedinto effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE(Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are RAPED will begiven the opportunity to work other jobs within the system atgreatly reduced pay. This phase of the reduction program iscalled SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).3. All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may applyfor a new re- employment eligibility service. This service willbe called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority FollowingTermination). Current regulations state that more...
Special High Intensity Training - S. H. I. T.
MEMORANDUM
TO: All Employees
FROM: Communications Services
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S. H. I. T.). We are giving our employees more S. H. I. T. than any other office in town.
If you feel you do not receive your share of S. H. I. T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S. H. I. T. list for special attention.
All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle at your own speed.
If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S. H. I. T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M. O. R. E. S. H. I. T.).
If you consider more...
Notification to all members regarding language use during seminar. It has been brought to the attention of senior members that some individuals have been using bad language during discussions at the seminar. Due to complaints from some of our easily offended members, this type of language will no longer be accepted or tolerated. However, we realise the importance of members being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with each other. With this in mind, our human resources committee has compiled a list of phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offending our more sensitive members. CURRENT PHRASE---REPLACEMENT PHRASENO FUCKING WAY ---I'm fairly sure that's not feasibleYOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING ---Really? TELL SOMEONE WHO GIVES A FUCK---Have you run that by....... NO BASTARD TOLD ME ---I wasn't involved in that. I DON'T HAVE THE FUCKING TIME ---Perhaps I can stay and work on that. WHO FUCKING more...
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys "Yours is."
"Where did you receive your training?"
"Yale."
"Good, and what's your name?"
"Yim Yohnson."