Training Jokes / Recent Jokes

Programmer to Module Leader:
"This is not possible. **Impossible**. It will involve design change and no body in our team knows the design of the system. And above that nobody in our company knows the language in which this software has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can't. If you ask my personal opinion the company should never take these type of projects."
Module Leader to Project Manager:
"This project will involve design change. Currently we don't have people who have experience in this type of work. Also the language is unknown so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we should avoid taking this project."
Project Manager to 1st Level Manager:
"This project involves design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also not many people are trained in this area. In my personal opinion we can take the project but we should ask for more...

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S. H. I. T). We are trying to give employees more S. H. I. T than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S. H. I. T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S. H. I. T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S. H. I. T you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S. H. I. T will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D. E. E. P S. H. I. T) Those who fail to take D. E. E. P S. H. I. T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E. A. T S. H. I. T).

Since our managers took S. H. I. T before they were promoted, they do not have to do S. H. I. T anymore, as they are all full of S. H. I. T already.

If you are full more...

I have to get out of here," screamed Father Klaus from the confines of his tiny cell. "Please! Please! I can't stand it in here. I can't breathe. Please, won't somebody help me before the walls close in?" His pleading trailed off into the stale air of the monastery's damp stone halls.

Outside the bolted door, Fathers Pietro and Alberto shook their heads in pity. Father Klaus's condition had gradually worsened to the point where it became necessary to lock him away every time he had an attack. They were reluctant at first but when he threatened to jump from the belfry a few months ago, the monks were left with no choice.

Besides, none of them had any medical training so they would be unable to help their unfortunate comrade. Not that such training would have done any good. Father Klaus's condition was more psychological than physical and thus, required a completely different method of treatment. None of them felt qualified to delve into the deepest more...

(Now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego, Marine Corps Recruit Training)Dear Ma and Pa:I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay... practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad... there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you' til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't more...

Budget cuts to the Defence force forced the training team to start doing mock combat using no explosives, guns, or basically any equipment what-so-ever, so when it came to a training scenario, the Sergeant in charge tells his recruits that they are under imaginary fire, and what do they do?
So all of the recruits except one scatter and get down behind "stuff", and get into returning fire positions.
The Sergeant notices this one recruit standing out in the open, quite relaxed and unfazed.
Yelling, the Sergeant asks, "What the devil do you think you're doing? You're under fire!"
So the recruit takes one step to the left and remains still.
Now the Sergeant's really annoyed. He yells again, "What the Hell are you doing? You're under imaginary fire, take cover!"
The recruit turns to him and replies, "I'm taking cover behind this imaginary tree Sergeant!"

During training exercises, the Lieutenant driving down a
muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud
with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled
alongside.

"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him
the keys, "Yours is."

In this particular branch of the Army's officer training school, the instructor
was returning a test. The students identified their work by the last four digits of their Social Security number.
In the early hours of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers. “Four-seven-seven-zero? ” he asked.
“Here, ” replied one half-awake lieutenant-to-be. Taking the paper, though, he realized he had mistakenly asked for the wrong paper.
“Seven-zero-seven-five? ” asked the instructor.
“Here, ” repeated the student, gearing for trouble.
“I thought you were four-seven-seven-zero, soldier, ” spoke the teacher.
“That's right, sir, ” answered our hero. “I have a nick-number. ”