Traffic Jokes / Recent Jokes
10> You have a reserved parking space with your name on it -- at traffic court. 9> You spend an inordinate amount of time scraping hair and bone out of your front grille. 8> You get more unwanted tickets than friends and family of the Detroit Tigers. 7> After less than 10 minutes in your car, Saddam and his sons change their minds and now "feel like walking to Jordan." 6> Your family already has a roadside cross ready to mark the inevitable spot. 5> Earl Scheib just named his new 160-foot yacht after you. 4> You see more middle fingers than a manicurist. 3> The highway patrol cops in your state have memorized your date of birth, social security number, home address, license plate number and how many points you have left before your 39th trip to traffic school, which is named after you. 2> The other day, you ran right into the garage door -- and it was *up* at the time.and the Number 1 Sign You May Be a Bad Driver... 1> Every time your cell phone rings while you're putting on more...
A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name. She said, "I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in Columbia." As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe.
So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution, so they send out some help-me type faxes.
A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax read: "As your neighbours, we are deeply touched you requested our help, etc. etc, but we have no idea at all how to do it".
The German fax read: "We are Germany, the most organized country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know how to handle it".
The Polish fax read: "As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic resuscitation. We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually.
So, it is our proposal to handle the situation more...
Fly the Friendly Skies in your Cessna And who says our controllers don't have a sense of humor? ------------------------------------------------ November 22, 1996 - Any More Complaints? The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth." ------------------------------------------------ November 15, 1996 - What the...?! PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA fortakeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation. ------------------------------------------------ November 8, 1996 - more...
Santa lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the Inspector's and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the Inspector.
"I don't care, just do something about those drivers!"
So the next day he had the local workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Santa called the Inspector and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."
So, again, he sends out the workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
And that really sped them up. So Santa called and called and called everyday for three weeks.
Finally, he more...
Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles! Yo mama teeth are so yellow she spits butter!
Basic Rules For Driving In New Jersey: A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the construction barrels. Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle so never use them. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your antilock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass more...