Toys Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for more...

Legalese Night Before Christmas*



THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese (Author unknown)



Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.



A variety of foot apparel, e. g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i. e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i. e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said more...

...a federal judge said Mattel, Wal-Mart, and others can be sued for making and selling toys with high lead levels. Some of the toys affected are Leadgo building blocks, Lead Headed Barbie, and Leadopoly.

Dear Santa, How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business business. Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. It's an impressive operation. I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat. I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example, when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and you're way up there where nobody more...

Christmas Is:
1. A wobbly tree stand.
2. A week of inspiration and morality on TV screens that are
filled with crime and violence the other 51.
3. Having to tear open that gift you wrapped so beautifully
because you just remembered the price tag was still on it.
4. Trying to explain to a bright four-year-old how it's possible
to pass 6 Santa Clauses in one block.
5. When you get a dozen calendars in the mail... and on January
1st, you can't find a single one.
6. When you discover some idiot put a trunk on tree decorations
you stored so carefully last year.
7. Trying to wrap a bicycle so nobody can tell what it is.
8. When you can't walk into the Living Room for all the toys,
and your kids say, "Is that ALL?"
9. Frantic last-minute shopping when a gift arrives from a
relative you forgot.
10. When, while you're looking for a salesman, somebody buys the great tree you picked out.
11. When more...

14. "Y'know, this new Crying Game Barbie just doesn't seem to be very popular."

13. "Hey, this is a piece of cake compared to some of the gigs I've had --
cookies for Keebler, clothes for Kathie Lee, shoes for Nike..."

12. "I don't care what Santa thinks -- these' Tickle Me Tripp' dolls are
downright frightening!"

11. "Just toss that broken toy in the barrel marked' Non-Christians.'"

10. "I'll build toys for the fat bastard, but shaving his back hair is where
I draw the line."

9. "Santa, we already make dolls that talk, walk, wet, cry, whatever... now
you want one that blows cigar smoke out of its *what*??"

8. "Please, Mrs. Claus, those batteries are for the children's toys!!"

7. "Hey, *you* try building a Playstation with nothing but antique Victorian
woodcarving tools, chubbo!!"

6. "I more...

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at
a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House)
a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not
limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e. g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed
by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief
that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus hereinafter ("Claus)
would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i. e. the children, of the aforementioned House,
were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i. e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats,
including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did
dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred
to as "I), being more...