Torch Jokes / Recent Jokes

(name withheld) Minnetonka, MN 55345
Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016
Dear Sir:
This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21A.(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put "Stupidity". I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.
I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary more...

(name withheld) Minnetonka, MN 55345Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016Dear Sir:This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21A.(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put "Stupidity". I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid more...

A burglar breaks into an isolated country house after watching the whole family depart for a night out on the town.
As he creeps across the darkened living room he hears a voice saying: "I can see you... and Jesus can see you".
The burglar shines his penlight torch around the room, but sees nothing. He takes another step, and he hears it again: "I can see you... and Jesus can see you".
This time he realizes the voice comes from above, and when he shines his torch around he sees a parrot sitting on top of a cupboard. It looks him in the eye and says: "I can see you... and Jesus can see you".
The burglar laughs and says "You're just a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye and says "I'm a parrot and my name is Ebenezer".
The burglar laughs again, and says "Ebenezer is a pretty silly name for a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye, waits until he has stopped laughing, and says:
"I agree more...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around looking for valuables.
When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying,
'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next score, and then clicked his light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard,
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm trying to warn you.'
The burglar relaxed.
'Warn me, eh? Who are you?'
'Moses,' more...

Heading into the jungle on his first safari, the American visitor was confident he could handle any emergency. He sidled up to the experienced native guide and said smugly. "I know that carrying a torch will keep lions away." "True," the guide replied. "But it depends on how fast you carry the torch