Tide Jokes / Recent Jokes

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
There is in fact an "I" in Norris, but there is no "team"... not even close.
Scotty in Star Trek often says "Ye cannae change the laws of physics." This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time more...

Stan Kegel's construction story reminded me of some of the silly things my husband had people believe:
People who have boats and yachts will tell you that sightseers ask them all sorts of stupid questions. In our fishing harbour we have a lobster unit, and a pump mounted on the quay circulates fresh sea water through the tanks to keep the lobsters alive. One day a man asked my husband what the pump was for.
With a straight face he replied: "It is used to rectify changes brought about by the tides. You see, when it is low tide, they pump water from the harbour into the ocean to get the water to the same level. When it is high tide, they pump the water back again."
The Cango Caves in Oudtshoorn, South Africa, run underground for some 2 km. As we were coming out of the caves, some people approached us asked us what is better: to visit the caves early in the day, or late afternoon.
"Late afternoon may not be a good Idea," my husband replied. "When more...

Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it ever since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.
Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it is even better. In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started to become a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.
After a quick trip to the supermarket and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a more...

Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in tide? Because it is too cold out tide...

Dear Tide:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.

In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing lead to another and I ended up with a lot of her blood on my white blouse, as well.

I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!

I thank you, once again, for a great product.

Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Dear Tide,
I have always used your product ever since my college days, because mom says it was the best. One weekend about a month ago, I was at my girlfriend's place, wearing my new white shirt. Much to my chagrin, I spilled some red wine on my white shirt. She made a comment about my drinking problem, one thing lead to another, and soon I had her blood all over my not-so-nice white shirt. I tried washing it with her detergent, and it just didn't do the trick. So, on my way home, I stopped at the store and picked up a box of new Ultra Tide. It washed the stain so well that the DNA tests were entirely inconclusive! I can't praise your product enough. Thank you for saving my life! I must go now. I also have to send my praise to the makers of Hefty garbage bags... Thanks again! John Smith

Dear Tide:
I have always used your product ever since my college days, because Mom says it was the best. One weekend about 3 months ago, I was at my girlfriend's place, wearing my new white shirt. Much to my chagrin, I spilled some red wine on my white shirt.
She made a comment about my drinking problem, one thing lead to another, and soon, before I knew what was happening, I had her blood all over my not-so-nice white shirt. I tried washing it with her detergent, and it just didn't do the trick. So, on my way home, I stopped at the store and picked up a box of new Ultra Tide. It washed the stain so well that the DNA tests were entirely inconclusive!
I can't praise your product enough. Thank you for saving my life! I must go now. I also have to send my praise to the makers of Hefty garbage bags...
Thanks again!
Gary Condit