Ticket Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three lawyers and three MBA's are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the MBA's each buy tickets and watch as the three lawyers buy only a single ticket
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the lawyers.
They all board the train. The MBA's take their respective seats but all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The MBA's discussed this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the MBA's decide to copy the lawyers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their more...

Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match. At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders. "Watch and you`ll see," answers one of the Scotsmen. They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return more...

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes." "I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, more...

A father and son went grocery shopping, and down practically every aisle, the kid wanted something.
"Dad, can I get some Lucky Charms?"
"Sure, if you can touch your dick to your ass."
"I can't"
"Then I guess you don't get any Lucky Charms."
Later on
"Dad, can I get some Mountain Dew?"
"Can you touch your dick to your ass?"
"No"
"Then no Mountain Dew"
At the checkout, the dad feeling really sorry for his son, bought his son a lottery ticket.
They walked out to the car and the kid immediately scratched off the ticket, and screamed.
"Dad, I won, I won ten thousand dollars."
"Great, son, are you going to give some of the money to your mother and me?"
"I don't know, can you touch your dick to your ass?"
"Yes, I can son, I'm older"
"Good; go fuck yourself."

The local priest returns to his car to find a traffic warden in the process of giving him a parking ticket.
Priest: "Hello there, you couldn't see you're way clear to forgetting about that could you, my son."
TW: "Sorry, farther, once I've started filling the form in I've got to finish"
Priest: "That's OK. It's my fault. I parked in the wrong place."
TW: "That's very good of you, we usually get all kinds of abuse in these circumstances."
Priest: "Wouldn't here of such a thing, after all it was my fault. We're having a tea party this weekend would you like to come?"
TW: "Well, that is good of you, farther. Yes, I'll be there. It's so refreshing to talk to someone who understands the position I'm in."
Priest: "Maybe you would like to bring you're mother and farther along, as well, and I could marry them!"

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

From London Times via Car and Driver:
Comrade Gorbachev is being driven from his dacha to Moscow and
is in a hurry. He is getting irritated with the slowness of his
driver. "Can't you go any faster?" he says angrily. "I have to
obey the speed limits," says the driver.
Finally Gorbachev
orders the driver into the back and takes the wheel. Sure
enough a patrol car soon pulls them over. The senior officer
orders the junior to go write up the ticket. But the junior
officer comes back and says he can't give them a ticket, the
person in the car is too important.
"Well, who is it?" the senior officer asks.
"I didn't recognize him," says the junior
officer, "but Comrade Gorbachev is his chauffeur."
Raj Wall
Texas Instruments