Ticket Jokes / Recent Jokes

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub."

Charlie entered the airlines ticket office in a rush, but did a double-take almost immediately: The girl behind the ticket counter was as magnificently endowed with feminine equipment as any girl he could ever remember seeing. What's more, she was clad in a gown whose diving neckline barely observed the boundaries of decorum. And to cap matters, she was evidently unaware of his presence, for she bent low over notations she was making. Finally, she looked up and saw him.
"Oh! What can I do for you, sir?" she cried gaily, taking a deep breath.
Charlie heard his own breath hissing in his ears, like steam, but tried manfully to master the situation. He did, after all, need two tickets to Pittsburgh.
"-Uh-" he began, distractedly, "give me two pickets to-"

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.. . Lead us not into temptation."

I was having a bad day. For one thing I hadn't slept well the previous night because of another loud party next door. On top of that, I felt a cold coming on. So I drove to the neighborhood drugstore, and ran in for a couple of minutes, just to get some cough drops. When I came out, there was a cop, writing a ticket for the expired parking meter.
"Give a girl a break, would you?" I asked him. He ignored me and went on writing. I called him a "pencil-necked Nazi." He glared at me and began writing a second ticket for the expired city sticker. I called him a "horse's ass," and he began writing another ticket-for worn tires!!
I didn't care. It wasn't my car, but I'd recognized it as my noisy neighbor's. I take my fun where I can get it.

On a college field trip, four Engineering and four Pre-Law students were travelling on the same train. The law students each had a ticket, but the Engineers had but one ticket amongst them. One of the Engineers shouted "conductor's coming!", and the four Engineers crowded into one of the bathrooms. The conductor comes by and knocks on the bathroom door saying "Tickets, please". The Engineers slip their one and only ticket under the door. The conductor punches it an moves on to the next car.
On the return trip, the four Lawyers, impressed by the Engineers' trick, purchase only one ticket. The Engineers, however have no tickets at all!. Suddenly, one of the Engineers shouts "Conductor's coming". All four Engineers head for the bathroom, and all four lawyers crowd into the other one. Then, one of the Engineers slips out of his bathroom and knocks on the other bathroom door saying "Tickets, please". The lawyers then slip their only ticket under more...

An old man is praying in a temple alone one day, and finally calls out to God, "I'm a good pious man Lord, so why must I be poor and destitute." God answers him, and says that he is sorry and he will be the next winner of the million dollar lottery. "Thank You my Lord," cries the old man. But months pass, and the winners are never him. Finally alone back in the temple, he calls out to God once again, "What happened God... did I misunderstand you, didn't you say I'd be the next winner of the lottery." And God answers "Do me a favor my son... buy a ticket!"

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket more...