Throw Jokes / Recent Jokes

Boys
1. Drive to the bank, park and go to the Cash Dispenser.
2. Insert card
3. Dial code and desired amount
4. Take the cash, the card and the slip
Girls
1. Drive to the bank
2. Engine stalled
3. Check make-up in the mirror
4. Apply perfume
5. Manually check haircut
6. Park the car - failure
7. Park the car - failure
8. Park the car - Success
9. Search for the card in the handbag
10. Insert card, rejected by the machine
11. Throw phone card back in handbag,
12. Look for bank card.
13. Insert Card
14. Look for Secret Box (where secret code is written)in Handbag
15. Enter code
16. Study instructions for 2 minutes
17. Cancel
18. Re-enter code
19. Cancel
20. Call Boyfriend/husband to get correct the code
21. Enter desired amount
22. Error
23. Enter bigger amount
24. Error
25. Enter maximum amount
26. Cross fingers
27. Take more...

A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but
she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune. . . the Supermarket manager sees her and more...

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands,
"Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so
pissed I can't even see straight!"
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse
for wear, pours him a DOUBLE of Southern Comfort.
The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another
ONE!"
The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give
you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me WHY
you're so upset?"
So the man begins his tale:

"Well, I was sitting in the bar next door when this gorgeous
blonde slinks in, and actually sits beside ME at the bar. I
thought WOW, this has never happened before. You know,
it was kind of a fantasy come TRUE. Well, a couple of
minutes later I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the
blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm
INTERESTED? I couldn't believe this was more...

Three ministers are talking over lunch and before long find themselves discussing how much of the weekly donations was appropriate to keep and how much to give to the Lord. The first minister says, "I just draw a line on the floor, put one foot on both sides, and throw the money into the air. Whatever lands on the right side of the line is God's and whatever lands on the left is mine." The second minister notes that he uses a similar method, but "I use a small coffee table when I throw the money in the air and whatever lands on the table goes to the Lord and whatever lands on the floor is mine." They both contemplate each other's answer and finally turn to the third minister who is sitting there without saying anything. "Well, how do you do it?" asks the first to the third. "Well, I do as you both do and throw the money into the air, but I figure whatever the Lord wants, he'll grab, and I keep whatever hits the floor."

CAT MIRACLE DIET: Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!

Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con- stitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than. 75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your more...

Three ministers are talking over lunch and before long find themselves discussing how much of the weekly offering is appropriate to keep and how much to give to the Lord.
The first minister says, "I just draw a line on the floor, put one foot on each side, and throw the money into the air. Whatever lands on the right side of the line is God's and whatever lands on the left is mine."
The second minister notes that he uses a similar method, but "I use a small coffee table when I throw the money in the air and whatever lands on the table goes to the Lord and whatever lands on the floor is mine."
They both contemplate each other's answer and finally turn to the third minister who is sitting there without saying anything. "Well, how do you do it?" asks the first to the third.
"Well, I do as you both do and throw the money into the air, but I figure whatever the Lord wants, he'll grab, and I keep whatever hits the floor."

Bad Jokes The following riddles and jokes were made up by BADJOKE.EXE, an MS-DOSprogram. You probably haven't heard most of them. Please try not to laughtoo hard and feel free to flame as much as you like-we are all likepassengers on the deck of the Titanic discussing what we're going to do whenwe get to shore.How can you tell when a mechanic has been behind your nuclear warhead? There are nubile lambchops all over your pizza! How can you tell when a pope has been coming towards your spaceship? There are laughing travelling salesmen in your banana! How do you get 100 gargoyles into a nuclear warhead? Throw in a lawn sprinkler! Why do motorcycles fold born-again eyeballs? To diaper their skyscrapers! Why do policemen have toilets? So that yaks will disobey them! What do you get when you cross a Barbie doll and a banana? An angry nurse! What did the Democrat say to the kettle drum?"Ignore my eyeball, you square baby!"What did the finger say ot the lawn sprinkler?"Enlist more...